ADVICE: Cheating on someone you love

Can you really love someone and still cheat on them?

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Compassion

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it's defined as the feeling that arises when you're confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.

Compassion isn't the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. 

Empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person.  

Compassion is when those empathic feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. 

Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion.

ADVICE: Making contact after a request for space

My significant other asked me to give them space.  How long should I wait before I contact them?

ADVICE: My BF's parents will pull his financial support if we don't break up...

I started dating my best friend, who's studying to be a pilot. His family says I'm a distraction and threatened to cut his funding if we don't end the relationship. He won't be finished with aviation school for two years.  What do I do?  I think he's "The One."

ADVICE: Overcoming fear of asking someone out

“How can I overcome the fear of asking someone out?”

 

Fear is a powerful emotional response. For example, a fear of falling helps us to take extra precautions when walking on ice. A fear of failure keeps us from trying new things. The fear of rejection keeps us feeling insecure and unworthy, therefore making it difficult to find a partner who is good for us.

Ask yourself this question: “What’s the worst thing that will happen if I ask this person out and they say no?”

If you fear being embarrassed, keep this in mind:  embarrassment is something we bring on ourselves, and as such, we can mentally prepare ourselves and control whether we’ll feel that way if we’re turned down. Besides, why get embarrassed just because this person doesn’t recognize what an awesome person you are?

If you fear that no one will never say yes to you, then you’ve got a problem. If you fear that there will never be anyone in your life if this one says no, then the problem is bigger than that.

Get connected with a therapist to help you get to the root of your fear, develop strategies to overcome this fear of rejection, and learn how to feel more confident in all aspects of your life.

Then you'll be ready to get out there and start asking people to go out...and secure enough to handle whatever the response is.

ADVICE: Choosing the right partner

"How do I choose the right partner?"

This is a question every person who has ever wanted to be a part of a couple asks themselves at one time or another.

If you think about it, choosing a partner with whom to build a healthy relationship is a lot like shopping for a car. 

Imagine you're ready to buy your first car, but you've decided you're not going to get just any set of wheels.  This ride must have everything you want.  For the time-being, you'll take public transportation to get you where you need to go, and will do so until the right car comes along because you don't want to rush into something you'll regret later.

There are so many choices to consider out there:  all the different makes, models, colors, choosing gas vs. electric vs. hybrids, 4-wheel vs front-wheel drive...it could get really overwhelming!

To avoid wasting your time, money, and energy, you make a list that narrows down everything your new wheels must have, along with the reasons that would make you walk away from a deal.  Being very clear with what you want and don't want will make it easy to recognize a good match and resist the temptation of settling on something less-than:

The car I buy absolutely must:

1. be a brand-new Nissan Sentra two-door coupe
2. get 30mpg or better
3. have a kick-a$$ stereo with a one-year Pandora subscription included
4. be cherry red color

I will absolutely walk away if:

1. it costs more than $25,000
2. the salesperson disrespects me/talks down to me
3. the warranty is for less than 3 years

At the first car dealership you visit, you tell the salesperson what you want, but they say they don’t have any new Sentras. Instead they try to get you to test drive a blue hatchback that’s only three years old. The stereo works great but there’s no Pandora, it gets 27 mpg, and there’s a 24-month bumper-to-bumper warranty. The salesperson claims that this option is $5000 cheaper than a new one, and says you'd be stupid if you don't drive it off the lot today. 

Here’s your predicament:  You really want a car.  Sometimes taking the bus sucks and your commute to work takes forever.  This car looks like it's in good shape and would definitely get you where you want to go.  You could buy it on the spot.  You can afford it.  It’s not that old and you could live with the color. Sentras are famous for being reliable vehicles, and Consumer Reports says that even the three-year-old model is a good value for the money.

What do you do? 

You check your list. Go through each of the requirements and the deal-breakers and compare with what you've got.  Unfortunately, this car doesn't meet any of your requirements and one of the deal-breakers of being disrespected by the salesperson happened.  You will not settle on a car that's good-enough-for-now just because the opportunity is there and your life would be easier if you had wheels again.  You. Must. Walk. Away.  Even though you're disappointed and maybe a little discouraged, you keep looking…and checking your list...and riding the bus…and checking your list...until you find that cherry-red Nissan Sentra that meets every one of your requirements and has none of the deal-breakers...no matter how long it takes.

That’s what choosing the right partner is like.  You have to be very clear with what you're looking for--the qualities and circumstances this person must have--and be equally as certain of what would make you walk away immediately--anything that goes against the law, your values, or makes your inner voice say, "Uh-oh."

One example for choosing a potential partner could look like this (but choose whatever is important to you):

Requirements:

1. Must always treat me with kindness and respect
2. Must be employed
3. Must have their own money
4. Must have their own car
5. Must have their own place to live
6. Must take me on a date night twice a month

Deal-Breakers:

1. Criminal record
2. Any kind of abuse or aggression directed toward me or others
3. Has kids
4. Smokes cigarettes
5. Speaks disrespectfully about former partners, family members, etc.

No joke--this process takes a lot of trial and error, patience and time.  Knowing exactly which qualities this person must have and demonstrate consistently, and which ones take them out of the running will keep you on the right track.

As you're living your fabulous single life, and hang out with a variety of people, remember:

• Always refer to your lists, because the excitement of meeting someone new--especially one you're physically attracted to--can cloud your judgment
• Don’t waste your time (or theirs) if they're missing even one requirement on your list
• Resist the urge to let someone who doesn't match everything on your lists slide with the hope that they will eventually change (because they won't)
• Walk away the moment you discover they’re not right for you
• Don't settle for less-than.  Ever.
• Keep at it until you find that person that has everything you want on the list, and none of the things you don’t.
• It will be worth it.

ADVICE: Why is it so difficult to find the right partner?

“Why am I having so much trouble finding the right partner?”

It's often blatantly obvious when a couple isn't right for each other.  You probably know a few and wonder why they stay together.  Maybe you've been in that boat yourself. 

Some people latch onto anyone who shows them a modicum of attention, and stay with this person because they can't afford to live by themselves. Some settle for a partner who treats them like dirt because they're afraid of being alone. Others stay in bad relationships because they don't want to lose friends or contact with their partner's family. 

The reasons people have unhealthy relationships are fear, insecurity, and needing resources to meet one's basic needs. Fear of living alone.  Fear of dying alone.  Fear of becoming homeless.  Fear of not having enough money to live on.  Fear of losing one's social network.  Fear of never having another relationship.

If you have these fears, you're not ready to be in a relationship.  Period.  It's important to connect with a counselor or trusted mentor to sort out how these fears developed, and how to rid yourself of them.  

Once these fears no longer rule your decisions, then you're ready for the next step in preparing for finding the right partner:  You must first be happy and content with being single. 

Everyone seeking a partner should be emotionally, socially and financially independent.  This ensures you're seeking a relationship out of "want" and not out of "need."  

You need to build and embrace a life of your own first.  

So where do you start?  Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can I afford to live on my own?  (If not, what can I do so that I can?)

2. Do I have at least one close friend who will provide unconditional emotional support?

3. Do I have interests that I can pursue either by myself or with a group of others?

If you answered no to any of these, do whatever it takes to make it possible to answer yes:

• Start a savings account to move out on your own (get a second or third job if necessary).  
• Rent a room or find a small studio apartment to start. 
• Cultivate friendships wherever you're with other people: work, school, house of worship.  
• Look for meetups in your area that focus on your interests.  
• Take a class.  
• Join a club.  
• Volunteer for a cause that is important to you.

The goal is to love your single life so much that if you never had a healthy, long-term relationship, you'd still be happy and content with the life you have built.  

Only then will you be in a position to find a partner who is equally as secure and independent, and your chances of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship skyrocket.  And if you do find the love-of-your-life, you still have money, friends, and interests that are yours alone.  

 

ADVICE: How to help a partner with past childhood trauma

“My BF has many issues and has not processed his childhood traumas.  We’ve been together for a year, and we’ve had many arguments.  He shares a lot with me, but I can’t do the same because the smallest things trigger him.  I feel awful thinking about leaving.  What should I do?”

 

Photo Credit:  Therapy Route

He needs to get professional help to work through his traumas…you cannot be his therapist. Admitting that he needs help is probably terrifying for him. The idea of making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in trauma is equally frightening. Going through trauma counseling is very intense, painful, and exhausting, but for people who stick with it, their lives can be transformed for the better. 

Unfortunately, he has to decide to take those steps himself, and there’s nothing you can do to expedite this or make it easier for him.

One important thing for you to remember: Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your relationship will not get better on its own. Your arguments will not stop (they might, in fact, get worse and/or become more frequent). You’ll still be walking on eggshells around him in another year, five years, 20 years…if nothing changes.

I recommend that you yourself get connected with a therapist to help you sort through all of this, and come up with a plan for the best course of action for you to take. Taking care of yourself first is absolutely necessary, and it might encourage him to do the same.

 

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: When a partner is “secretive”

“Why are some partners so secretive with their phones, even if they swear that they’re not cheating?”

 

Photo Credit:  Communications of the ACM

It’s healthy and necessary for our personal happiness and growth when both we and our partner have some elements of our lives that are ours alone: our own friends, interests, and activities that we don’t share with them. It’s crucial for us to remain fully-functioning and emotionally complete individuals in addition to being part of a committed couple. As long as they don’t endanger the trust and integrity of our relationships, we need things and people that are only ours. 

As for your concern, let’s put the shoe on the other foot: Imagine if your best friend told you that she’s thinking of leaving her boyfriend, and doesn’t want anyone to know…including your partner. You promised you’d keep that confidence. Now, imagine that your partner is fishing for information on your phone that would disclose your friend’s plan. You wouldn’t like that, and you’d do everything you could to protect the trust your friend has in you.

That might be what’s going on with your partner.

Here’s another thing to consider: if your partner said something like, “I can’t share what’s on my phone because my friend Mary is going through a tough time and I promised to keep what’s going on private,” would this ease your mind or cause you to be more suspicious than you already are?

The real issue here, however, isn’t about what’s on your partner’s phone that you feel entitled to see. You’re feeling insecure about your relationship and are searching for “proof” that your suspicions are correct. If your partner hasn’t given you any other cause to distrust them, give them the benefit of the doubt now.  Tell them how you’re feeling about all of this in a calm and honest way. But if the secrecy about the phone is one more red flag why you question their fidelity, then you have to do something about it.

Get connected with a therapist who will help you to sort this all out, why you’re feeling insecure and distrustful, and develop strategies for a plan of action that’s right for you.

 

ADVICE: Why do I always love too much?

“I always love too much in any relationship and sometimes I become restless for that person.  How can I control that?”

 

Photo Credit: Emotional Intelligence and You

Healthy, loving, mutually-satisfying relationships require give and take from both partners. I’m not talking about keeping score, but over time both partners feel loved, respected, and valued.

“Loving too much” is a sign of desperation and imbalance in the effort put into a relationship. 

You’re giving and giving and doing and doing with the hope that your partner will reciprocate for you. When your partner doesn’t respond, you give more and do more.  And the cycle continues.

Your restlessness is really your subconscious showing you the truth about the future of this relationship, and you’re afraid to acknowledge what that means. 

You already know deep down that you don’t have the relationship you wish you had.

How can you control it? Well, the only control you have is changing what you’re doing, because what you’re doing now isn’t getting you what you want. 

Talk with your partner and let them know how you’re feeling. If they respond by validating your feelings, apologizing and then doing all they can to make you feel loved, respected, and valued, then you have your answer and the problem is solved. 

But if they respond with anger, disrespect your feelings, and tell you you’re too sensitive or crazy, then you have a difficult decision to make.

Get connected with a therapist who will help you sort this all out, develop a strategy to manage it, boost your self-esteem, and create an appropriate plan of action.

Bottom line is...you deserve AT LEAST as much as you’re giving.

 

EXPLAINING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Desperation

"Why do desperate people do crazy things?"

Photo Credit: TheGoodVibe.co

Desperation is a state of being that is always rooted in fear, and is partnered with a horrible gut feeling that one is about to lose something or someone. Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being caught, fear of losing a job…fear is the culprit. 

Except for when literally saving one’s own (or another person’s) life, desperation isn’t a healthy state to be in and never a good way to hold onto things and people. 

People who are afraid of losing <fill in the blank> and believing they can’t live without it will do and say just about anything to prevent the loss from happening.  I think that’s the “crazy things” you’re referring to.

Doing “crazy things” could delay the loss temporarily, but when that fear rears its ugly head again (and it will), the vicious cycle would continue. Guaranteed.

Desperation is an indication that a person is insecure, perhaps emotionally immature. Partnering with a therapist is the first step to rid oneself of this toxic mindset and to learn how to live free of this debilitating fear. 

ADVICE: Boyfriend says things he doesn’t mean

"How do I approach my boyfriend whenever he starts saying harsh words that I know he doesn't mean to?"

Photo Credit: Whisper

First, let me preface my response by acknowledging that we all—at times—have said things (sometimes in anger) without editing or filtering.  I’ve been guilty of that myself on occasion.

The truth is all of us can control everything we say and do, and when we mess up, we also have the ability to apologize and protect our relationships.

That said, if your boyfriend speaks harshly very infrequently (like once or twice a year--at most), and you tell him how his behavior makes you feel, and he responds by immediately apologizing and makes consistent effort to improve your relationship, then we can certainly forgive this human error. 

But if his “harsh words” are commonplace and are targeted at you, then that’s a much bigger problem. 

This behavior is considered verbal abuse, a non-physical type of domestic violence (it applies even if you don’t live together), and it has no place in your relationship.

If he’s frequently angry, defensive, gaslights you, makes threats, and makes you feel unsafe, then you must take every action to protect yourself.  (Call 911 for help if necessary.)  If you live together, arrange to stay with a friend or your family to temporarily put some space between the two of you.

Speak with a trained advocate on the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) who will listen without judgment, help you develop a strategy to stay safe, and get you connected with your local domestic violence agency and a therapist who can help you map out your next steps.

Please remember that your boyfriend’s behavior is not because of anything you’ve said or done...it’s a sign of deeply-rooted insecurity and that’s something he can work on with a therapist as well.

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Taking risks in relationships

Photo Credit: The Training Associates

Why do people take risks in relationships? It depends on the kind of risks being taken.

If I take a risk to be honest, open and genuine with my partner, it means that I trust them with my vulnerabilities and true self, and do so to deepen our relationship.

If I take a risk by moving away with my partner to pursue my career (or so that they can pursue theirs), it means that we’re mutually supportive and committed to the well-being and longevity of our relationship, and respect the career choices we each have made.

If I take a risk by having a long-distance relationship or taking a trip without my partner, it means I trust my partner and my partner trusts me to remain committed and faithful while we’re apart.

If I take a risk by marrying my partner, it means that I am committed to do all I can to make the relationship healthy, strong, and loving until the day I die. It also means that I will remain faithful and committed to my partner.

If I take a risk by hooking up with someone outside the relationship, it means that:

1. I’m emotionally insecure and need confirmation that I’m still interesting and attractive to other people
2. I want those “butterflies in the stomach” romantic feelings again
3. I want to see how much I can get away with
4. It feels good to be “naughty”
5. I don’t want to be monogamous and want to be with other people
6. I’m unhappy/unsatisfied in the relationship and am seeking a potential new partner before I break up with my current partner

Taking risks are necessary in relationships, as long as the outcome of those risks taken doesn’t compromise the trust, integrity, commitment and well-being of that relationship.

ADVICE: The breakup with my ex didn’t feel “right”

“I can’t stop thinking about my ex because the breakup didn’t feel “right.”  I feel like I should write to them and try to get them back. What should I do?”

Photo credit: Genius.com

[Public Service Announcement: Don’t be this girl.]

ADVICE: What would you do if you caught your boyfriend holding hands with a woman in public?

Photo:  elements.envato.com

First, let me say that I’m a firm believer in listening to our inner voice, that “gut feeling” that always tells us the truth...even when the truth isn’t something we want to hear.

Second, you need to think back to whether there have been other instances in your relationship that would cause you not to trust your boyfriend.

That said, after allowing my heart rate to come back to normal, I would calmly ask him who this person is and why he was exhibiting this public display of affection with someone other than me.

Now, he may have a perfectly good reason why he was holding that woman’s hand.  Maybe she’s a friend or co-worker who’s going through a tough time and he was offering emotional support in that way.

Maybe he thought he was being discreet about being with this woman, and you’d never find out.

Or may be WANTED to be caught so you’d get angry and leave him so he wouldn’t have to be the one to end your relationship.

Regardless of his explanation, you need to let him know how seeing him holding another woman’s hand made you feel.  Tell him what your inner voice is saying to you.  That you feel disrespected.  How angry you are.  That you’re sad to have made this discovery.  How you fear that this is a sign that your relationship is in trouble.

Then, listen carefully to how he responds to your feelings.  Does he validate them, understand how you feel, and reassure you that he loves only you?  Or does he tell you that you’re crazy for feeling that way...that you’re reading too much into it?

Based on his responses, you can decide how your life will move forward.  What does your gut tell you is the right way (NOT the easiest way) to resolve this?  What’s best for YOU?

If you believe to your core that he’s devoted to only you, then you need to work on your fears and insecurities.

If he tells you that you and he are no longer an exclusive, monogamous couple, then you must decide what to do next.

I recommend not making this decision on your own.  It would be helpful to work with a therapist to remedy your insecurities and give your confidence and self-esteem a shot in the arm.  Then you’ll have an abundance of strength to decide whether this relationship is worth saving, and the tools to take action if necessary.

ADVICE: A badmouthing spouse

“Do men who constantly complain to other women about their wives do it to let them know they’re unhappy and therefore willing to cheat?  My husband badmouths me to friends, neighbors, co-workers and basically anyone who will listen.” 

 

Image: whisper.sh

 

I’ve been in your shoes. Forty years ago, my first husband used to tell everyone who’d listen how stupid, clumsy, and fat I was, and that he regretted not holding out for someone better. I believed him. And, yes, he did cheat on me. It took the emotional support from an awesome therapist to help me to understand that his behavior wasn’t because of what was lacking in me…but what was lacking in HIM. I also learned how to love and value who I am. I eventually found the strength to boot him out because he refused to change. 

Now let’s address your husband’s disrespectful behavior.  He badmouths you because he is insecure and immature. If he felt good about himself and had better communication skills, he wouldn’t put you down to other people. If something was bothering him, he would instead discuss it openly and privately with you and only you. He’d also acknowledge on a regular basis what an awesome human being you really are and how damn lucky he is to have you. 

There’s no way of knowing whether he’s doing all of this to convince himself that it’s okay to have an affair. He clearly has some serious issues that need to be addressed. However, it’s important to remember that you have no control over his behavior, but you most certainly have the power to change yours. 

I strongly recommend that you get connected with a therapist to find ways to bolster your self-esteem, communicate more effectively with him, and build healthy boundaries in the relationship. Once you have those in place, you’ll let him know you’ll no longer tolerate this disrespectful behavior. Then, he’ll either choose to change…or he’ll decide he won’t. Either way, you’ll know for sure how invested he is in your marriage, and you can decide whether you think it’s worth saving. 

 

ADVICE: Emotionally detaching from another person

"How do you emotionally detach yourself from somebody who shows you no love and affection no matter how hard you try?"

Graphic: Google Images

Believe it or not, you have full control over disconnecting with this person who clearly does not value you. 

The real issue here, however, is not about the other person; it’s about what’s lacking in YOU emotionally. The fact that you’re asking this question tells me that you’re frustrated with the effort you've put into the relationship and not getting at least as much effort in return, and you're ready to make a change.

Get connected with a therapist who can help you to better understand how you got involved with an emotionally-distant person and sort out what’s at the root of that. They can also help you to improve your self-esteem, which will put you in a much better position to only give your love and affection to a person who will gladly reciprocate.

ADVICE: Frustrated with relationships

“I’m frustrated with my failed relationships.  What should I do?”

Photo: Google Images

Focus on yourself. Get involved with interests and activities that make you happy. When it’s safe to do so, travel. Hang out with friends. Volunteer your time in ways that improve other people’s lives.

Once you’re completely comfortable with being alone and believe your life is full and complete without being in a relationship, then you’ll be in a better position to recognize potential partners who are also fully independent.

It’s amazing how relationships improve when both partners want each other, but don’t NEED each other.

ADVICE: Getting back together with an ex...or not?

"I've been feeling like I want to get back with my ex but I feel conflicted because I also started developing feelings for my friend.  I don't know who I should choose.  What should I do?"

It's not unusual for us to have thoughts about reuniting with an ex.  After all, this is someone we once shared our lives with.  Someone we made memories with.  Someone we loved.  

One thing to keep in mind, though, is that your ex is your ex for a reason (or many reasons).  Have the reasons you broke up been resolved or changed in ways that would increase the chances of having a better relationship this time?  If so, see if your ex is interested in getting together again, too, and see how it plays out.  But if not, it's best not to go there.

It's also normal to have feelings for other people, and to be conflicted as to who to choose to be with.  The best relationships are built on solid friendships, so if your friend feels the same way about you, you could talk about taking the friendship to another level.  Even if they don't have romantic feelings for you, you still have a really good friend in your life.

If after thinking about all of this you're still not sure what to do...do nothing.  Do some more soul searching, and wait until you are certain about what you want and who you want to have a relationship with.

Take your time. There's no rush.