ADVICE: A badmouthing spouse

“Do men who constantly complain to other women about their wives do it to let them know they’re unhappy and therefore willing to cheat?  My husband badmouths me to friends, neighbors, co-workers and basically anyone who will listen.” 

 

Image: whisper.sh

 

I’ve been in your shoes. Forty years ago, my first husband used to tell everyone who’d listen how stupid, clumsy, and fat I was, and that he regretted not holding out for someone better. I believed him. And, yes, he did cheat on me. It took the emotional support from an awesome therapist to help me to understand that his behavior wasn’t because of what was lacking in me…but what was lacking in HIM. I also learned how to love and value who I am. I eventually found the strength to boot him out because he refused to change. 

Now let’s address your husband’s disrespectful behavior.  He badmouths you because he is insecure and immature. If he felt good about himself and had better communication skills, he wouldn’t put you down to other people. If something was bothering him, he would instead discuss it openly and privately with you and only you. He’d also acknowledge on a regular basis what an awesome human being you really are and how damn lucky he is to have you. 

There’s no way of knowing whether he’s doing all of this to convince himself that it’s okay to have an affair. He clearly has some serious issues that need to be addressed. However, it’s important to remember that you have no control over his behavior, but you most certainly have the power to change yours. 

I strongly recommend that you get connected with a therapist to find ways to bolster your self-esteem, communicate more effectively with him, and build healthy boundaries in the relationship. Once you have those in place, you’ll let him know you’ll no longer tolerate this disrespectful behavior. Then, he’ll either choose to change…or he’ll decide he won’t. Either way, you’ll know for sure how invested he is in your marriage, and you can decide whether you think it’s worth saving.