POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Personal Boundaries

Photo Credit: PonderAbout.com

In his poem "Mending Wall," Robert Frost writes "good fences make good neighbors," and that man "makes boundaries and he breaks boundaries."

Just like a good fence that gives your neighbor the visual reminder of what's yours and what's theirs, personal boundaries are essential for building character.  In essence, they're the set of firm guidelines we build and live by that gives us permission to be genuine and true to ourselves without fear or shame, lets others know how we want to be treated, and the consequences for mistreating us or violating a boundary.   

Without personal boundaries, life can be frustrating, overwhelming and often painful. People disrespect you, abuse your kindness, and demand your time and energy...on their terms.

When you lack personal boundaries or don't uphold them (called “floppy boundaries” in the counseling world), some people think it’s perfectly acceptable to criticize you, offer unsolicited advice or pass judgment on your life choices.

As a result, you’ll more likely doubt yourself and your decisions and find yourself in a downward spiral of backpedaling, jumping through hoops to please others, and keeping your mouth shut just to keep the peace.  Unfortunately, these behaviors make you a human doormat.

Some examples of healthy boundaries include:

• Asking for what you want and need from those around you
• Being comfortable saying "No" and without guilt
• Saying "Yes" because you want to, and not out of obligation or to please others
• Taking care of yourself first
• Making choices based on your values and beliefs
• Feeling safe and valid when expressing difficult emotions
• Being treated like an equal and that you matter
• Knowing that your happiness is your responsibility
• Knowing that you're not responsible for someone else's happiness
• Being comfortable disagreeing
• Knowing who you are, what you believe, and what you like
• Being comfortable changing your mind

In sum, it’s healthy to have that good, imaginary fence around you.  Personal boundaries reveal to others your genuine self, teaches them how you want to be treated, and defines the limits of their often-unwanted and unsolicited input.

James Joyce knew what he was talking about.