ADVICE: Choosing the right partner

"How do I choose the right partner?"

This is a question every person who has ever wanted to be a part of a couple asks themselves at one time or another.

If you think about it, choosing a partner with whom to build a healthy relationship is a lot like shopping for a car. 

Imagine you're ready to buy your first car, but you've decided you're not going to get just any set of wheels.  This ride must have everything you want.  For the time-being, you'll take public transportation to get you where you need to go, and will do so until the right car comes along because you don't want to rush into something you'll regret later.

There are so many choices to consider out there:  all the different makes, models, colors, choosing gas vs. electric vs. hybrids, 4-wheel vs front-wheel drive...it could get really overwhelming!

To avoid wasting your time, money, and energy, you make a list that narrows down everything your new wheels must have, along with the reasons that would make you walk away from a deal.  Being very clear with what you want and don't want will make it easy to recognize a good match and resist the temptation of settling on something less-than:

The car I buy absolutely must:

1. be a brand-new Nissan Sentra two-door coupe
2. get 30mpg or better
3. have a kick-a$$ stereo with a one-year Pandora subscription included
4. be cherry red color

I will absolutely walk away if:

1. it costs more than $25,000
2. the salesperson disrespects me/talks down to me
3. the warranty is for less than 3 years

At the first car dealership you visit, you tell the salesperson what you want, but they say they don’t have any new Sentras. Instead they try to get you to test drive a blue hatchback that’s only three years old. The stereo works great but there’s no Pandora, it gets 27 mpg, and there’s a 24-month bumper-to-bumper warranty. The salesperson claims that this option is $5000 cheaper than a new one, and says you'd be stupid if you don't drive it off the lot today. 

Here’s your predicament:  You really want a car.  Sometimes taking the bus sucks and your commute to work takes forever.  This car looks like it's in good shape and would definitely get you where you want to go.  You could buy it on the spot.  You can afford it.  It’s not that old and you could live with the color. Sentras are famous for being reliable vehicles, and Consumer Reports says that even the three-year-old model is a good value for the money.

What do you do? 

You check your list. Go through each of the requirements and the deal-breakers and compare with what you've got.  Unfortunately, this car doesn't meet any of your requirements and one of the deal-breakers of being disrespected by the salesperson happened.  You will not settle on a car that's good-enough-for-now just because the opportunity is there and your life would be easier if you had wheels again.  You. Must. Walk. Away.  Even though you're disappointed and maybe a little discouraged, you keep looking…and checking your list...and riding the bus…and checking your list...until you find that cherry-red Nissan Sentra that meets every one of your requirements and has none of the deal-breakers...no matter how long it takes.

That’s what choosing the right partner is like.  You have to be very clear with what you're looking for--the qualities and circumstances this person must have--and be equally as certain of what would make you walk away immediately--anything that goes against the law, your values, or makes your inner voice say, "Uh-oh."

One example for choosing a potential partner could look like this (but choose whatever is important to you):

Requirements:

1. Must always treat me with kindness and respect
2. Must be employed
3. Must have their own money
4. Must have their own car
5. Must have their own place to live
6. Must take me on a date night twice a month

Deal-Breakers:

1. Criminal record
2. Any kind of abuse or aggression directed toward me or others
3. Has kids
4. Smokes cigarettes
5. Speaks disrespectfully about former partners, family members, etc.

No joke--this process takes a lot of trial and error, patience and time.  Knowing exactly which qualities this person must have and demonstrate consistently, and which ones take them out of the running will keep you on the right track.

As you're living your fabulous single life, and hang out with a variety of people, remember:

• Always refer to your lists, because the excitement of meeting someone new--especially one you're physically attracted to--can cloud your judgment
• Don’t waste your time (or theirs) if they're missing even one requirement on your list
• Resist the urge to let someone who doesn't match everything on your lists slide with the hope that they will eventually change (because they won't)
• Walk away the moment you discover they’re not right for you
• Don't settle for less-than.  Ever.
• Keep at it until you find that person that has everything you want on the list, and none of the things you don’t.
• It will be worth it.