ADVICE: The breakup with my ex didn’t feel “right”

“I can’t stop thinking about my ex because the breakup didn’t feel “right.”  I feel like I should write to them and try to get them back. What should I do?”

Photo credit: Genius.com

[Public Service Announcement: Don’t be this girl.]

Above all else, when a significant other tells you, “I’m not meant for you anymore” BELIEVE THEM.  They’re telling you they want your relationship to end.

As someone who’s been on both sides of breakups, I know how difficult it is to break up with someone you care about but no longer love.  I’m sure your ex used that phrase to tell you—albeit in a passive way—that they don’t want to be with you anymore but wanted to soften the blow and make it less painful. (Which never made sense to me since breakups ALWAYS hurt.)

This breakup probably feels different because you are different.  You’re older, more mature, and have had more experiences.  You shared more of your vulnerability with your ex.  Comparing this breakup to others in the past is like comparing apples to oranges.  The different feeling you’re experiencing reflect that this was a more adult relationship that ended with a breakup that you didn’t want, and you’re now desperately trying to salvage what you once had with your ex.

Except when you’re literally saving your own life or that of another person’s, desperation is never a good feeling to use when making decisions.  It’s a sign of insecurity, actually.  For example, maybe you think deep-down you’ll never find another significant other.

There’s a really great book that might help you:  “It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy” by Greg and Amiira Behrendt.  (Note:  even though it says “Smart Girl” in the title, it’s an appropriate read for men, too.)

I personally learned a lot from it, and the authors’ wisdom got me through some pretty difficult breakups—even the ones that I initiated. I also learned how to see breakups as blessings rather than curses.

Your relationship was not a waste of time by any means. You learned a lot about yourself and how to develop emotional intimacy with another person. The fact that you felt so emotionally connected to this person is a positive sign that you’re fully capable of finding another person to be emotionally connected to.

That’s a win-win for you in my opinion.

Send your closure letter, but take the part out regarding getting back together or talking with your ex. Wish them well, tell them how much knowing them meant, and let it be over. Then, if they do decide to contact you, you’ll know it’s because they want to—and not because they feel obligated or you guilted them into it.