ADVICE: Choosing the right partner

"How do I choose the right partner?"

This is a question every person who has ever wanted to be a part of a couple asks themselves at one time or another.

If you think about it, choosing a partner with whom to build a healthy relationship is a lot like shopping for a car. 

Imagine you're ready to buy your first car, but you've decided you're not going to get just any set of wheels.  This ride must have everything you want.  For the time-being, you'll take public transportation to get you where you need to go, and will do so until the right car comes along because you don't want to rush into something you'll regret later.

There are so many choices to consider out there:  all the different makes, models, colors, choosing gas vs. electric vs. hybrids, 4-wheel vs front-wheel drive...it could get really overwhelming!

To avoid wasting your time, money, and energy, you make a list that narrows down everything your new wheels must have, along with the reasons that would make you walk away from a deal.  Being very clear with what you want and don't want will make it easy to recognize a good match and resist the temptation of settling on something less-than:

The car I buy absolutely must:

1. be a brand-new Nissan Sentra two-door coupe
2. get 30mpg or better
3. have a kick-a$$ stereo with a one-year Pandora subscription included
4. be cherry red color

I will absolutely walk away if:

1. it costs more than $25,000
2. the salesperson disrespects me/talks down to me
3. the warranty is for less than 3 years

At the first car dealership you visit, you tell the salesperson what you want, but they say they don’t have any new Sentras. Instead they try to get you to test drive a blue hatchback that’s only three years old. The stereo works great but there’s no Pandora, it gets 27 mpg, and there’s a 24-month bumper-to-bumper warranty. The salesperson claims that this option is $5000 cheaper than a new one, and says you'd be stupid if you don't drive it off the lot today. 

Here’s your predicament:  You really want a car.  Sometimes taking the bus sucks and your commute to work takes forever.  This car looks like it's in good shape and would definitely get you where you want to go.  You could buy it on the spot.  You can afford it.  It’s not that old and you could live with the color. Sentras are famous for being reliable vehicles, and Consumer Reports says that even the three-year-old model is a good value for the money.

What do you do? 

You check your list. Go through each of the requirements and the deal-breakers and compare with what you've got.  Unfortunately, this car doesn't meet any of your requirements and one of the deal-breakers of being disrespected by the salesperson happened.  You will not settle on a car that's good-enough-for-now just because the opportunity is there and your life would be easier if you had wheels again.  You. Must. Walk. Away.  Even though you're disappointed and maybe a little discouraged, you keep looking…and checking your list...and riding the bus…and checking your list...until you find that cherry-red Nissan Sentra that meets every one of your requirements and has none of the deal-breakers...no matter how long it takes.

That’s what choosing the right partner is like.  You have to be very clear with what you're looking for--the qualities and circumstances this person must have--and be equally as certain of what would make you walk away immediately--anything that goes against the law, your values, or makes your inner voice say, "Uh-oh."

One example for choosing a potential partner could look like this (but choose whatever is important to you):

Requirements:

1. Must always treat me with kindness and respect
2. Must be employed
3. Must have their own money
4. Must have their own car
5. Must have their own place to live
6. Must take me on a date night twice a month

Deal-Breakers:

1. Criminal record
2. Any kind of abuse or aggression directed toward me or others
3. Has kids
4. Smokes cigarettes
5. Speaks disrespectfully about former partners, family members, etc.

No joke--this process takes a lot of trial and error, patience and time.  Knowing exactly which qualities this person must have and demonstrate consistently, and which ones take them out of the running will keep you on the right track.

As you're living your fabulous single life, and hang out with a variety of people, remember:

• Always refer to your lists, because the excitement of meeting someone new--especially one you're physically attracted to--can cloud your judgment
• Don’t waste your time (or theirs) if they're missing even one requirement on your list
• Resist the urge to let someone who doesn't match everything on your lists slide with the hope that they will eventually change (because they won't)
• Walk away the moment you discover they’re not right for you
• Don't settle for less-than.  Ever.
• Keep at it until you find that person that has everything you want on the list, and none of the things you don’t.
• It will be worth it.

ADVICE: Why is it so difficult to find the right partner?

“Why am I having so much trouble finding the right partner?”

It's often blatantly obvious when a couple isn't right for each other.  You probably know a few and wonder why they stay together.  Maybe you've been in that boat yourself. 

Some people latch onto anyone who shows them a modicum of attention, and stay with this person because they can't afford to live by themselves. Some settle for a partner who treats them like dirt because they're afraid of being alone. Others stay in bad relationships because they don't want to lose friends or contact with their partner's family. 

The reasons people have unhealthy relationships are fear, insecurity, and needing resources to meet one's basic needs. Fear of living alone.  Fear of dying alone.  Fear of becoming homeless.  Fear of not having enough money to live on.  Fear of losing one's social network.  Fear of never having another relationship.

If you have these fears, you're not ready to be in a relationship.  Period.  It's important to connect with a counselor or trusted mentor to sort out how these fears developed, and how to rid yourself of them.  

Once these fears no longer rule your decisions, then you're ready for the next step in preparing for finding the right partner:  You must first be happy and content with being single. 

Everyone seeking a partner should be emotionally, socially and financially independent.  This ensures you're seeking a relationship out of "want" and not out of "need."  

You need to build and embrace a life of your own first.  

So where do you start?  Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can I afford to live on my own?  (If not, what can I do so that I can?)

2. Do I have at least one close friend who will provide unconditional emotional support?

3. Do I have interests that I can pursue either by myself or with a group of others?

If you answered no to any of these, do whatever it takes to make it possible to answer yes:

• Start a savings account to move out on your own (get a second or third job if necessary).  
• Rent a room or find a small studio apartment to start. 
• Cultivate friendships wherever you're with other people: work, school, house of worship.  
• Look for meetups in your area that focus on your interests.  
• Take a class.  
• Join a club.  
• Volunteer for a cause that is important to you.

The goal is to love your single life so much that if you never had a healthy, long-term relationship, you'd still be happy and content with the life you have built.  

Only then will you be in a position to find a partner who is equally as secure and independent, and your chances of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship skyrocket.  And if you do find the love-of-your-life, you still have money, friends, and interests that are yours alone.  

 

PARENTING ADVICE: Stopping my daughter from dying her hair

"How do I stop my 21-year-old daughter from dying her hair pink?"

Photo Credit: Style Caster

A 21-year-old woman is capable of making her own decisions. With that comes the consequences of those decisions.

As parents, we innately want to protect our kids from disappointment, embarrassment, and pain. But we have to let them make those choices/mistakes, or else they’ll never learn how to bounce back when life is unkind to them.

That said, in the grand scheme of things, what’s the harm in dying her hair? Sometimes we just want to do something different or feel like we’re making a fresh start. She’s just exercising her desire to be her own person, which is what every parent wants for their kid.

Who knows…this color could look lovely on her and boost her self-esteem, or she may find out for herself that having pink hair isn’t right for her, and she can always dye it back. But that will be HER decision.

You really have no say in this.  Just love her as she is.