“Why are some partners so secretive with their phones, even if they swear that they’re not cheating?”
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| Photo Credit: Communications of the ACM |
It’s healthy and necessary for our personal happiness and growth when both we and our partner have some elements of our lives that are ours alone: our own friends, interests, and activities that we don’t share with them. It’s crucial for us to remain fully-functioning and emotionally complete individuals in addition to being part of a committed couple. As long as they don’t endanger the trust and integrity of our relationships, we need things and people that are only ours.
As for your concern, let’s put the shoe on the other foot: Imagine if your best friend told you that she’s thinking of leaving her boyfriend, and doesn’t want anyone to know…including your partner. You promised you’d keep that confidence. Now, imagine that your partner is fishing for information on your phone that would disclose your friend’s plan. You wouldn’t like that, and you’d do everything you could to protect the trust your friend has in you.
That might be what’s going on with your partner.
Here’s another thing to consider: if your partner said something like, “I can’t share what’s on my phone because my friend Mary is going through a tough time and I promised to keep what’s going on private,” would this ease your mind or cause you to be more suspicious than you already are?
The real issue here, however, isn’t about what’s on your partner’s phone that you feel entitled to see. You’re feeling insecure about your relationship and are searching for “proof” that your suspicions are correct. If your partner hasn’t given you any other cause to distrust them, give them the benefit of the doubt now. Tell them how you’re feeling about all of this in a calm and honest way. But if the secrecy about the phone is one more red flag why you question their fidelity, then you have to do something about it.
Get connected with a therapist who will help you to sort this all out, why you’re feeling insecure and distrustful, and develop strategies for a plan of action that’s right for you.
