ADVICE: How can I get revenge on my mom?

My mother and I had a huge argument and she took the lock off of my bedroom as punishment. How can I get revenge on her for doing that?

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Trustworthiness

 

Trust is valuable. It affects everything. Being trusted by others is one of the character attributes necessary to foster healthy relationships and to achieve your most valued goals.

I know from experience that trust isn’t a quick thing you can gain. Like a growing savings account, it's something earned over a period of time, after consistently being honest, always acting with integrity, never lying or misleading. 

If you want to be a person other people trust, take an honest look at your actions and the decisions you make every day.

Here are nine traits of trustworthy people. Do you have them? Can people trust you?

1. Trustworthy people are authentic.

Authentic people are real, meaning they are genuine and have excellent character. They're likeable, humble, and easy to talk to.

2. They are consistent.

Aside from having an occasional bad day, trustworthy people demonstrate consistent, positive behavior. 

3. They have integrity.

People with integrity do and stand up for what's right, even when no one is watching.  They strive to always be truthful.

4. They are compassionate.

Trustworthy people exhibit empathy and compassion through their ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes.

5. They are kind.

Kindness is demonstrated through all of their interactions with others.  They understand that when someone is having a bad day, showing kindness is always the best response.  They are also kind to themselves.

6. They are resourceful.

Trusted people consistently seek to learn, recognize there's always room for improvement, and find ways to work smarter (not harder). Because of this mindset, they use what they know and share resources to inspire and support others.

7. They are connectors.

They look for ways to align like-minded people, and successfully connect them with others who need their knowledge or expertise to help them reach their goals.

8. They are humble.

Trustworthy people shine the spotlight on others first and sincerely celebrate their successes.  They give credit where credit is due, and are quick to recognize that it takes a team--not any one individual--to get things done. 

9. They are available.

They are there for people and reliably support them. They value their relationships and make a conscious effort to foster and celebrate them. 

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: When a partner is “secretive”

“Why are some partners so secretive with their phones, even if they swear that they’re not cheating?”

 

Photo Credit:  Communications of the ACM

It’s healthy and necessary for our personal happiness and growth when both we and our partner have some elements of our lives that are ours alone: our own friends, interests, and activities that we don’t share with them. It’s crucial for us to remain fully-functioning and emotionally complete individuals in addition to being part of a committed couple. As long as they don’t endanger the trust and integrity of our relationships, we need things and people that are only ours. 

As for your concern, let’s put the shoe on the other foot: Imagine if your best friend told you that she’s thinking of leaving her boyfriend, and doesn’t want anyone to know…including your partner. You promised you’d keep that confidence. Now, imagine that your partner is fishing for information on your phone that would disclose your friend’s plan. You wouldn’t like that, and you’d do everything you could to protect the trust your friend has in you.

That might be what’s going on with your partner.

Here’s another thing to consider: if your partner said something like, “I can’t share what’s on my phone because my friend Mary is going through a tough time and I promised to keep what’s going on private,” would this ease your mind or cause you to be more suspicious than you already are?

The real issue here, however, isn’t about what’s on your partner’s phone that you feel entitled to see. You’re feeling insecure about your relationship and are searching for “proof” that your suspicions are correct. If your partner hasn’t given you any other cause to distrust them, give them the benefit of the doubt now.  Tell them how you’re feeling about all of this in a calm and honest way. But if the secrecy about the phone is one more red flag why you question their fidelity, then you have to do something about it.

Get connected with a therapist who will help you to sort this all out, why you’re feeling insecure and distrustful, and develop strategies for a plan of action that’s right for you.

 

ADVICE: What would you do if you caught your boyfriend holding hands with a woman in public?

Photo:  elements.envato.com

First, let me say that I’m a firm believer in listening to our inner voice, that “gut feeling” that always tells us the truth...even when the truth isn’t something we want to hear.

Second, you need to think back to whether there have been other instances in your relationship that would cause you not to trust your boyfriend.

That said, after allowing my heart rate to come back to normal, I would calmly ask him who this person is and why he was exhibiting this public display of affection with someone other than me.

Now, he may have a perfectly good reason why he was holding that woman’s hand.  Maybe she’s a friend or co-worker who’s going through a tough time and he was offering emotional support in that way.

Maybe he thought he was being discreet about being with this woman, and you’d never find out.

Or may be WANTED to be caught so you’d get angry and leave him so he wouldn’t have to be the one to end your relationship.

Regardless of his explanation, you need to let him know how seeing him holding another woman’s hand made you feel.  Tell him what your inner voice is saying to you.  That you feel disrespected.  How angry you are.  That you’re sad to have made this discovery.  How you fear that this is a sign that your relationship is in trouble.

Then, listen carefully to how he responds to your feelings.  Does he validate them, understand how you feel, and reassure you that he loves only you?  Or does he tell you that you’re crazy for feeling that way...that you’re reading too much into it?

Based on his responses, you can decide how your life will move forward.  What does your gut tell you is the right way (NOT the easiest way) to resolve this?  What’s best for YOU?

If you believe to your core that he’s devoted to only you, then you need to work on your fears and insecurities.

If he tells you that you and he are no longer an exclusive, monogamous couple, then you must decide what to do next.

I recommend not making this decision on your own.  It would be helpful to work with a therapist to remedy your insecurities and give your confidence and self-esteem a shot in the arm.  Then you’ll have an abundance of strength to decide whether this relationship is worth saving, and the tools to take action if necessary.