UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Why friendships change and sometimes end

Friendships are typically built on commonly-shared environments like school, college, job, athletic teams, and so on. Proximity plays a big part of how a friendship develops and is sustained--it's easier when you spend time together regularly.  Friendships are challenged when one person moves away because of the lack of physical presence.

As we mature, meet new people, and have new experiences, we often find our circle of friends changing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  We may realize that we no longer share common interests or beliefs with people we were once close to. 

When we move to another location because of a job or going to college, we might lose touch with our lifelong besties. This doesn't mean that those friendships were a waste of time or not "real."  It simply means that the relationships have served their purpose and have run their course.

This is a long explanation for this simple idea: friendships are fluid. They’re supposed to change because we change and the people we associate with change, too.

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Trustworthiness

 

Trust is valuable. It affects everything. Being trusted by others is one of the character attributes necessary to foster healthy relationships and to achieve your most valued goals.

I know from experience that trust isn’t a quick thing you can gain. Like a growing savings account, it's something earned over a period of time, after consistently being honest, always acting with integrity, never lying or misleading. 

If you want to be a person other people trust, take an honest look at your actions and the decisions you make every day.

Here are nine traits of trustworthy people. Do you have them? Can people trust you?

1. Trustworthy people are authentic.

Authentic people are real, meaning they are genuine and have excellent character. They're likeable, humble, and easy to talk to.

2. They are consistent.

Aside from having an occasional bad day, trustworthy people demonstrate consistent, positive behavior. 

3. They have integrity.

People with integrity do and stand up for what's right, even when no one is watching.  They strive to always be truthful.

4. They are compassionate.

Trustworthy people exhibit empathy and compassion through their ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes.

5. They are kind.

Kindness is demonstrated through all of their interactions with others.  They understand that when someone is having a bad day, showing kindness is always the best response.  They are also kind to themselves.

6. They are resourceful.

Trusted people consistently seek to learn, recognize there's always room for improvement, and find ways to work smarter (not harder). Because of this mindset, they use what they know and share resources to inspire and support others.

7. They are connectors.

They look for ways to align like-minded people, and successfully connect them with others who need their knowledge or expertise to help them reach their goals.

8. They are humble.

Trustworthy people shine the spotlight on others first and sincerely celebrate their successes.  They give credit where credit is due, and are quick to recognize that it takes a team--not any one individual--to get things done. 

9. They are available.

They are there for people and reliably support them. They value their relationships and make a conscious effort to foster and celebrate them. 

ADVICE: How do I stop thinking about someone who abandoned me?

I dream about my ex all the time even though he abandoned me while I was pregnant and treats me like I don't matter. How can I stop?

ADVICE: I ruined a great relationship...what do I do now?

How can I accept that I've ruined the best relationship I've ever been in? Insecurity and self-doubt got the best of me. He was a pretty great person. I hate myself now and am trying to work on myself. I know I need to let go of old baggage, but how do I cope when I know it was because of me?

ADVICE: Overcoming fear of asking someone out

“How can I overcome the fear of asking someone out?”

 

Fear is a powerful emotional response. For example, a fear of falling helps us to take extra precautions when walking on ice. A fear of failure keeps us from trying new things. The fear of rejection keeps us feeling insecure and unworthy, therefore making it difficult to find a partner who is good for us.

Ask yourself this question: “What’s the worst thing that will happen if I ask this person out and they say no?”

If you fear being embarrassed, keep this in mind:  embarrassment is something we bring on ourselves, and as such, we can mentally prepare ourselves and control whether we’ll feel that way if we’re turned down. Besides, why get embarrassed just because this person doesn’t recognize what an awesome person you are?

If you fear that no one will never say yes to you, then you’ve got a problem. If you fear that there will never be anyone in your life if this one says no, then the problem is bigger than that.

Get connected with a therapist to help you get to the root of your fear, develop strategies to overcome this fear of rejection, and learn how to feel more confident in all aspects of your life.

Then you'll be ready to get out there and start asking people to go out...and secure enough to handle whatever the response is.

ADVICE: Choosing the right partner

"How do I choose the right partner?"

This is a question every person who has ever wanted to be a part of a couple asks themselves at one time or another.

If you think about it, choosing a partner with whom to build a healthy relationship is a lot like shopping for a car. 

Imagine you're ready to buy your first car, but you've decided you're not going to get just any set of wheels.  This ride must have everything you want.  For the time-being, you'll take public transportation to get you where you need to go, and will do so until the right car comes along because you don't want to rush into something you'll regret later.

There are so many choices to consider out there:  all the different makes, models, colors, choosing gas vs. electric vs. hybrids, 4-wheel vs front-wheel drive...it could get really overwhelming!

To avoid wasting your time, money, and energy, you make a list that narrows down everything your new wheels must have, along with the reasons that would make you walk away from a deal.  Being very clear with what you want and don't want will make it easy to recognize a good match and resist the temptation of settling on something less-than:

The car I buy absolutely must:

1. be a brand-new Nissan Sentra two-door coupe
2. get 30mpg or better
3. have a kick-a$$ stereo with a one-year Pandora subscription included
4. be cherry red color

I will absolutely walk away if:

1. it costs more than $25,000
2. the salesperson disrespects me/talks down to me
3. the warranty is for less than 3 years

At the first car dealership you visit, you tell the salesperson what you want, but they say they don’t have any new Sentras. Instead they try to get you to test drive a blue hatchback that’s only three years old. The stereo works great but there’s no Pandora, it gets 27 mpg, and there’s a 24-month bumper-to-bumper warranty. The salesperson claims that this option is $5000 cheaper than a new one, and says you'd be stupid if you don't drive it off the lot today. 

Here’s your predicament:  You really want a car.  Sometimes taking the bus sucks and your commute to work takes forever.  This car looks like it's in good shape and would definitely get you where you want to go.  You could buy it on the spot.  You can afford it.  It’s not that old and you could live with the color. Sentras are famous for being reliable vehicles, and Consumer Reports says that even the three-year-old model is a good value for the money.

What do you do? 

You check your list. Go through each of the requirements and the deal-breakers and compare with what you've got.  Unfortunately, this car doesn't meet any of your requirements and one of the deal-breakers of being disrespected by the salesperson happened.  You will not settle on a car that's good-enough-for-now just because the opportunity is there and your life would be easier if you had wheels again.  You. Must. Walk. Away.  Even though you're disappointed and maybe a little discouraged, you keep looking…and checking your list...and riding the bus…and checking your list...until you find that cherry-red Nissan Sentra that meets every one of your requirements and has none of the deal-breakers...no matter how long it takes.

That’s what choosing the right partner is like.  You have to be very clear with what you're looking for--the qualities and circumstances this person must have--and be equally as certain of what would make you walk away immediately--anything that goes against the law, your values, or makes your inner voice say, "Uh-oh."

One example for choosing a potential partner could look like this (but choose whatever is important to you):

Requirements:

1. Must always treat me with kindness and respect
2. Must be employed
3. Must have their own money
4. Must have their own car
5. Must have their own place to live
6. Must take me on a date night twice a month

Deal-Breakers:

1. Criminal record
2. Any kind of abuse or aggression directed toward me or others
3. Has kids
4. Smokes cigarettes
5. Speaks disrespectfully about former partners, family members, etc.

No joke--this process takes a lot of trial and error, patience and time.  Knowing exactly which qualities this person must have and demonstrate consistently, and which ones take them out of the running will keep you on the right track.

As you're living your fabulous single life, and hang out with a variety of people, remember:

• Always refer to your lists, because the excitement of meeting someone new--especially one you're physically attracted to--can cloud your judgment
• Don’t waste your time (or theirs) if they're missing even one requirement on your list
• Resist the urge to let someone who doesn't match everything on your lists slide with the hope that they will eventually change (because they won't)
• Walk away the moment you discover they’re not right for you
• Don't settle for less-than.  Ever.
• Keep at it until you find that person that has everything you want on the list, and none of the things you don’t.
• It will be worth it.

ADVICE: Why is it so difficult to find the right partner?

“Why am I having so much trouble finding the right partner?”

It's often blatantly obvious when a couple isn't right for each other.  You probably know a few and wonder why they stay together.  Maybe you've been in that boat yourself. 

Some people latch onto anyone who shows them a modicum of attention, and stay with this person because they can't afford to live by themselves. Some settle for a partner who treats them like dirt because they're afraid of being alone. Others stay in bad relationships because they don't want to lose friends or contact with their partner's family. 

The reasons people have unhealthy relationships are fear, insecurity, and needing resources to meet one's basic needs. Fear of living alone.  Fear of dying alone.  Fear of becoming homeless.  Fear of not having enough money to live on.  Fear of losing one's social network.  Fear of never having another relationship.

If you have these fears, you're not ready to be in a relationship.  Period.  It's important to connect with a counselor or trusted mentor to sort out how these fears developed, and how to rid yourself of them.  

Once these fears no longer rule your decisions, then you're ready for the next step in preparing for finding the right partner:  You must first be happy and content with being single. 

Everyone seeking a partner should be emotionally, socially and financially independent.  This ensures you're seeking a relationship out of "want" and not out of "need."  

You need to build and embrace a life of your own first.  

So where do you start?  Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can I afford to live on my own?  (If not, what can I do so that I can?)

2. Do I have at least one close friend who will provide unconditional emotional support?

3. Do I have interests that I can pursue either by myself or with a group of others?

If you answered no to any of these, do whatever it takes to make it possible to answer yes:

• Start a savings account to move out on your own (get a second or third job if necessary).  
• Rent a room or find a small studio apartment to start. 
• Cultivate friendships wherever you're with other people: work, school, house of worship.  
• Look for meetups in your area that focus on your interests.  
• Take a class.  
• Join a club.  
• Volunteer for a cause that is important to you.

The goal is to love your single life so much that if you never had a healthy, long-term relationship, you'd still be happy and content with the life you have built.  

Only then will you be in a position to find a partner who is equally as secure and independent, and your chances of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship skyrocket.  And if you do find the love-of-your-life, you still have money, friends, and interests that are yours alone.  

 

PARENTING ADVICE: Stopping my daughter from dying her hair

"How do I stop my 21-year-old daughter from dying her hair pink?"

Photo Credit: Style Caster

A 21-year-old woman is capable of making her own decisions. With that comes the consequences of those decisions.

As parents, we innately want to protect our kids from disappointment, embarrassment, and pain. But we have to let them make those choices/mistakes, or else they’ll never learn how to bounce back when life is unkind to them.

That said, in the grand scheme of things, what’s the harm in dying her hair? Sometimes we just want to do something different or feel like we’re making a fresh start. She’s just exercising her desire to be her own person, which is what every parent wants for their kid.

Who knows…this color could look lovely on her and boost her self-esteem, or she may find out for herself that having pink hair isn’t right for her, and she can always dye it back. But that will be HER decision.

You really have no say in this.  Just love her as she is.

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Repeating mistakes

"Why do some people keep making the same mistakes over and over?"

Photo Credit: Cognizant Softvision

First, it’s easy for outsiders to judge other people and wonder why they aren’t doing something different to get a better outcome. Truth is, we’re not living their life. We don’t know the details of their circumstances. We really can’t know what’s going on with them and why they behave the way they do.

There’s a saying that explains when change actually comes about: “People will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of doing something different.”

If you keep in mind that all human behavior is based on getting one’s basic needs met, then it makes sense why some people don’t “learn their lesson” when they seem to be repeatedly making the same mistakes. 

Maybe their behavior is the only way they know how to meet their needs, and changing that behavior would be too scary or difficult to do…and may jeopardize their survival. Therefore, they choose to not change...for good reason.

They’re doing what they need to get by.

When a child figures out that throwing a temper tantrum in a store would score them candy because their parent will do anything to stop the tantrum, why would that child choose to behave any differently? Without the tantrum, there’d be no candy, and so the behavior continues.

See what I mean?

Remember that people behave the way they do for reasons that makes sense to them in their circumstances.

And a little compassion for our differences goes a long way.

ADVICE: Boyfriend says things he doesn’t mean

"How do I approach my boyfriend whenever he starts saying harsh words that I know he doesn't mean to?"

Photo Credit: Whisper

First, let me preface my response by acknowledging that we all—at times—have said things (sometimes in anger) without editing or filtering.  I’ve been guilty of that myself on occasion.

The truth is all of us can control everything we say and do, and when we mess up, we also have the ability to apologize and protect our relationships.

That said, if your boyfriend speaks harshly very infrequently (like once or twice a year--at most), and you tell him how his behavior makes you feel, and he responds by immediately apologizing and makes consistent effort to improve your relationship, then we can certainly forgive this human error. 

But if his “harsh words” are commonplace and are targeted at you, then that’s a much bigger problem. 

This behavior is considered verbal abuse, a non-physical type of domestic violence (it applies even if you don’t live together), and it has no place in your relationship.

If he’s frequently angry, defensive, gaslights you, makes threats, and makes you feel unsafe, then you must take every action to protect yourself.  (Call 911 for help if necessary.)  If you live together, arrange to stay with a friend or your family to temporarily put some space between the two of you.

Speak with a trained advocate on the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) who will listen without judgment, help you develop a strategy to stay safe, and get you connected with your local domestic violence agency and a therapist who can help you map out your next steps.

Please remember that your boyfriend’s behavior is not because of anything you’ve said or done...it’s a sign of deeply-rooted insecurity and that’s something he can work on with a therapist as well.

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Persistence

If little babies believed that giving up was an option when learning how to walk, we'd all be crawling around on our hands and knees.  

Have you noticed, though, that babies NEVER give up?  They try, fall down, cry, and get back up.  They stand, make adjustments with  how they balance their weight, how far to step forward, and so on.  It's the getting back up and trying over and over again that makes it possible to walk.  Babies don't give up just because they don't walk perfectly the first time they try.  Or the second.  Or the third.  They just keep going until they get it right.

But a lot of us throw in the towel when things challenge us more than we expect they will.  Some of us have the belief that if something doesn't come easy, it's not worth our time or energy to see it through to the end.  How many unfinished projects do you have?  How many times have you tried something new and immediately abandoned it when you discovered that you had to work at getting good at it?  How many times have you thrown up your hands and given up because it just got too hard?

In the movie "A League of Their Own," Coach Jimmy Dugan (played by Tom Hanks) challenges his best player when she decides that she's quitting baseball because it would mean making some difficult personal sacrifices:

What I'm talking about is persistence. It's defined as "perseverence in spite of fatigue or frustration."  It's sticking with something no matter how tired you are or how much you really want to quit. It's a personality trait successful people have that causes them to keep going with a task no matter what and not giving up.

Persistence is the ability to stick with something and see it all the way through.  Think back to when you were learning how to ride a bike.  When you fell down or lost your balance, you kept on going until you got the hang of it, right? That's persistence.

Pursuing a college degree is no different.  There are courses and topics and skill sets to be learned that are designed to get you to the career you dream about.  Some come easier than others.  The harder tasks try your patience.  You might even question whether you've chosen the right course...or career.  The difference between success and failure is to not give up.

Just because something is difficult doesn't mean you shouldn't be doing it.  College is supposed to be hard.  If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard...is what makes college great.