ADVICE: Why is it so difficult to find the right partner?

“Why am I having so much trouble finding the right partner?”

It's often blatantly obvious when a couple isn't right for each other.  You probably know a few and wonder why they stay together.  Maybe you've been in that boat yourself. 

Some people latch onto anyone who shows them a modicum of attention, and stay with this person because they can't afford to live by themselves. Some settle for a partner who treats them like dirt because they're afraid of being alone. Others stay in bad relationships because they don't want to lose friends or contact with their partner's family. 

The reasons people have unhealthy relationships are fear, insecurity, and needing resources to meet one's basic needs. Fear of living alone.  Fear of dying alone.  Fear of becoming homeless.  Fear of not having enough money to live on.  Fear of losing one's social network.  Fear of never having another relationship.

If you have these fears, you're not ready to be in a relationship.  Period.  It's important to connect with a counselor or trusted mentor to sort out how these fears developed, and how to rid yourself of them.  

Once these fears no longer rule your decisions, then you're ready for the next step in preparing for finding the right partner:  You must first be happy and content with being single. 

Everyone seeking a partner should be emotionally, socially and financially independent.  This ensures you're seeking a relationship out of "want" and not out of "need."  

You need to build and embrace a life of your own first.  

So where do you start?  Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can I afford to live on my own?  (If not, what can I do so that I can?)

2. Do I have at least one close friend who will provide unconditional emotional support?

3. Do I have interests that I can pursue either by myself or with a group of others?

If you answered no to any of these, do whatever it takes to make it possible to answer yes:

• Start a savings account to move out on your own (get a second or third job if necessary).  
• Rent a room or find a small studio apartment to start. 
• Cultivate friendships wherever you're with other people: work, school, house of worship.  
• Look for meetups in your area that focus on your interests.  
• Take a class.  
• Join a club.  
• Volunteer for a cause that is important to you.

The goal is to love your single life so much that if you never had a healthy, long-term relationship, you'd still be happy and content with the life you have built.  

Only then will you be in a position to find a partner who is equally as secure and independent, and your chances of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship skyrocket.  And if you do find the love-of-your-life, you still have money, friends, and interests that are yours alone.