Welcome to the Counselor's Desk

I've been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York State since 2000, and over the years my clients have struggled to understand why people (including themselves) act the way they do.

Most people wonder the same thing.

So, I will do my best to make some sense out of human behavior as I understand it in the [duh.] "Understanding Human Behavior" posts.

In my job, I'm frequently asked what I would do if I was in the client's shoes.  Of course, in counseling we never give our opinions--we help the client figure out solutions on their own.  But in this blog, I present a no-holds-barred approach to solving problems in the "Advice" posts.

In the spirit of helping people become the best version of themselves, I will address the building blocks of good character--what I call "Positive Attributes."

When the topic of mental health makes the news in one form or another, I will provide my honest take in the "Media Buzz" posts. 

Occasionally I will defer to people who are much more knowledgeable than I and will present their wisdom in the "Expert Advice" posts.

If you have questions, please email me at possonrm@sunysccc.edu and you might get them answered on this blog.

Thanks for stopping by my desk.

EXPLAINING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Desperation

"Why do desperate people do crazy things?"

Photo Credit: TheGoodVibe.co

Desperation is a state of being that is always rooted in fear, and is partnered with a horrible gut feeling that one is about to lose something or someone. Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being caught, fear of losing a job…fear is the culprit. 

Except for when literally saving one’s own (or another person’s) life, desperation isn’t a healthy state to be in and never a good way to hold onto things and people. 

People who are afraid of losing <fill in the blank> and believing they can’t live without it will do and say just about anything to prevent the loss from happening.  I think that’s the “crazy things” you’re referring to.

Doing “crazy things” could delay the loss temporarily, but when that fear rears its ugly head again (and it will), the vicious cycle would continue. Guaranteed.

Desperation is an indication that a person is insecure, perhaps emotionally immature. Partnering with a therapist is the first step to rid oneself of this toxic mindset and to learn how to live free of this debilitating fear. 

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Repeating mistakes

"Why do some people keep making the same mistakes over and over?"

Photo Credit: Cognizant Softvision

First, it’s easy for outsiders to judge other people and wonder why they aren’t doing something different to get a better outcome. Truth is, we’re not living their life. We don’t know the details of their circumstances. We really can’t know what’s going on with them and why they behave the way they do.

There’s a saying that explains when change actually comes about: “People will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of doing something different.”

If you keep in mind that all human behavior is based on getting one’s basic needs met, then it makes sense why some people don’t “learn their lesson” when they seem to be repeatedly making the same mistakes. 

Maybe their behavior is the only way they know how to meet their needs, and changing that behavior would be too scary or difficult to do…and may jeopardize their survival. Therefore, they choose to not change...for good reason.

They’re doing what they need to get by.

When a child figures out that throwing a temper tantrum in a store would score them candy because their parent will do anything to stop the tantrum, why would that child choose to behave any differently? Without the tantrum, there’d be no candy, and so the behavior continues.

See what I mean?

Remember that people behave the way they do for reasons that makes sense to them in their circumstances.

And a little compassion for our differences goes a long way.