ADVICE: Cheating on someone you love

Can you really love someone and still cheat on them?

As it suggests in the graphic above, a person who cheats behaves this way because of their insecurity, fear, lack of self-control, and an inability to foresee (or a lack of concern for) how this will negatively affect their partner. Essentially, a cheater wants what they want when they want it...regardless of the consequences.

Since you don't provide your frame of reference, I'll respond to every scenario where this question could be asked.

First, if you and your partner have agreed to be together but have an open relationship--where you're both free to see and be intimate with other people--then this isn't considered cheating.

But if you don't have such an agreement, then NO. You can't have it both ways. When a couple decides together to make a commitment to be monogamous and exclusive to only each other, then there can never be anyone else as long as they're in the relationship.

Second, if you're seriously considering cheating, salvage your self-worth and integrity and do one of two things:

1. Decide you're not going to go through with it and make your current relationship work, OR
2. End your relationship so you are free to be with other people.

Don't dishonor your partner and don't lower yourself to be a cheater.  You're better than that, and your partner doesn't deserve to be treated with such disrespect and disregard--even if you don't love them anymore.

Third, if you’ve already hooked up with another person, you need to--as the saying goes--$hit or get off the pot. Either get your act together and recommit to make your relationship work, or if you don’t really love your partner enough to stay in the relationship (and it's okay if you've had this epiphany), then the right thing to do is break it off. If you're married, find yourself a divorce attorney, too.

Finally, if your partner has cheated on you, you must get very clear with how you want to move forward.  Do you both want to save the relationship? Do you need to let it go and move on?  Regardless of your decision, a serious (and difficult) conversation must be had with your partner. If you both want to stay together, get to couples counseling ASAP. If not, then you need to decide the best approach to go your separate ways. 

Whether you're the one being cheated on, or the one considering (or who is already) being unfaithful, I recommend that you get connected with a therapist to help you sort out how this all came to be. This is something within you that can be examined and worked on so you're less likely to find yourself in this predicament in the future.