ADVICE: Is a marriage at risk if spouses don't share many similar interests?

My spouse and I don't share many common interests, and I wonder if our marriage will suffer because of it?

ADVICE: How can I get revenge on my mom?

My mother and I had a huge argument and she took the lock off of my bedroom as punishment. How can I get revenge on her for doing that?

Advice: Is mental abuse as damaging as physical abuse?

Should I stay with a partner who mentally abuses me, or should I wait until it gets physical to leave?

ADVICE: Parenting young adults

What are some manageable and effective rules for parenting young adults aged 18-25?

ADVICE: How do you know when to end a relationship?

 How do you know when to end a relationship?

ADVICE: Refusing to divorce

Why do some spouses refuse to divorce even though they openly admit they no longer have feelings for the person they're married to?

ADVICE: How to help an adult child who's being abused

My daughter is repeatedly battered and beaten by her abusive husband.  She says she loves him too much to leave him or report him to the authorities.  What can I do about this?

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Resilience

The word resilience stems from the Latin resiliens, meaning "to rebound, recoil, bounce back." 

As a character trait, resilience is a person's mental ability to recover quickly from misfortune, illness, disappointment, or any other event that rocks our foundation.

For most, life eventually throws us a major curve ball.  The rug gets pulled out from under us. Something happens and we aren't sure how we'll ever get past it.  

Resilient people develop a mental capacity that allows them to adapt with ease during adversity, bending like bamboo instead of breaking because they possess a set of powerful traits.  Let's examine each of them listed in the graphic above.

Internal locus of control:  A person who believes that they have control over the things that happen to them and how they respond are said to have an "internal locus of control."  In other words, one views their sense of control coming from inside them, and not from the outside.

Strong self-esteem, self-sufficiency: A person with strong self-esteem feels good about who they are, what they're doing, and what they're contributing to the world.  A self-sufficient person is able to take care of themselves financially, physically, emotionally, and socially.

Personal goals: A resilient person has clearly-defined short-term and long-term personal goals.  They work consistently to meet these goals, and if necessary, has the good sense to modify their goals when their priorities, interests, and/or circumstances change.

Sense of meaningfulness:  A resilient person knows their life's purpose and believes that what they're doing is meaningful to themselves and others.

Uses past successes to confront current challenges:  In the counseling world, this is called "transferability of skills."  A resilient person tackles problems or obstacles using strategies that worked for them in the past, which adds to their sense of self-sufficiency.

Views stress as a way to get stronger:  A resilient person takes the proverbial lemons and makes lemonade.  Stress is viewed as a motivator--not an obstacle--to success, and successfully managing stressful situations is meant to strengthen one's character.

Uses humor, patience, tolerance, and optimism:  A resilient person uses humor to manage the tough times and absurdities of life.  They are patient with themselves, with others, and with how the world operates.  They employ tolerance to deal with difficult situations and people, and they view their experiences as mostly positive and have hope that all will turn out well.

Adapts to change:  As a whole, human beings resist change--we avoid new ways of doing things, new people, new situations as much as possible because we're creatures of habit.  A resilient person may not love changes that come along, but they make the transition to the new quickly, with the attitude that change potentially can be good.

Action-oriented approach:  As an extension of their internal locus of control, a resilient person is proactive--meaning that they initiate a plan of action before it's necessary.  They are first to step up and don't wait for others to do something.

Strong relationships and asks for help:  A resilient person values and cultivates the relationships in their lives.  They know the importance of having a solid support system around them and do whatever it takes to make these people feel respected, valued, and loved.  They also are secure enough to know when they can't solve or do something by themselves, and have no problem asking for help from someone who knows more than they do.  They view asking for help as a sign of strength, and not one of weakness.

Faith:  Having faith doesn't necessarily mean following a specific religious group or spiritual philosophy.  A resilient person has a strong belief that whatever happens is for the best and everything will eventually turn out okay.

Question:  Do you think you're a resilient person and if so, which trait is your strongest?  If not, which one(s) do you need to work on?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: People who bully others

https://extension.umn.edu/bullying-and-violence/bullying-big-problem-big-consequences

Psychology Today defines bullying as "a distinctive pattern of repeatedly and deliberately harming and humiliating others, specifically those who are smaller, weaker, younger, or in any way more vulnerable than the [perpetrator.]"  The deliberate targeting of those with lesser power is what distinguishes bullying from typical aggression.

Bullying can involve verbal attacks, such as name-calling and making fun of others, as well as physical altercations, threats of harm, other forms of intimidation, and deliberate exclusion from activities.  Studies show that bullying peaks around ages 11 to 13 and decreases as children mature.  Overt physical aggression such as kicking, hitting, and shoving is most common among younger children; relational aggression--damaging or manipulating the relationships of others, such as spreading rumors, and social exclusion--is more common as children grow older.

Bullying is a learned behavior and it begins at an early age.  If the normal aggression of two-year-olds isn't corrected consistently, children fail to learn internal restraint against those behaviors.  People bully because it can be an effective way of getting what they want (at least in the short term).  Bullying also is a way of establishing social dominance.

Why do they do what they do?  There are two schools of thought regarding the psychological makeup of perpetrators.

First, there's a belief that perpetrators lack prosocial behavior, are untroubled by anxiety, and lack empathy.  They exhibit a distinctive cognitive feature that resembles paranoia: They misread the intentions of others, often exhibiting hostile behavior in neutral situations.  Others may not like them, but they typically have a positive self-view.  It's believed that chronic perpetrators tend to have strained relationships with their parents and peers.

The second view of what makes perpetrators tick (and the one to which I espouse) involves under-developed or undeveloped social skills and learned behaviors that get their needs met.

https://genmindful.com/blogs/mindful-moments/three-ways-to-love-a-bully

Research supporting this states that people who are aggressive, oppositional, or otherwise behave in difficult ways are actually doing the best they can with the skills they have.  There's also evidence that there's a lot more going on beneath that seemingly-hardened exterior.

Let's face it: all of us would like to have social status and attention.  Perpetrators lack the skills they would need to attain positive status and attention in adaptive ways--skills like emotion regulation, self-regulation, communication skills, and social thinking.  And through this learned behavior--possibly from witnessing aggression or violence at home, in video games, or in the media--they seek notoriety in ways that are harmful to others...because they know no other way to do it.  Students who bully would like to avoid detention and suspension, and they would if they could.  Unfortunately, detention and suspension don't teach positive and socially-acceptable skills, so the perpetrator returns to school with the same skills set they had before they were disciplined and the behavior continues.

I also suspect that trauma is a common factor in bullying behaviors.  The perpetrator knows no other way to manage the fear, shame, and pain they feel from experiencing a traumatic event, so they focus on inflicting intentional hurt onto someone else who's done nothing to instigate or cause the bullying.  They want others to feel as badly as they do.  They target people with kind hearts, who are well-liked, and are successful…all the things they believe they are not.

Bullying is a difficult concept for many of us to understand--except if you're a person who used to bully or have been on the receiving end of those behaviors.

Question:  Where do you stand on why people bully others?  Which school of thought makes the most sense to you, or do you have other ideas of why some people behave this way?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Resentment

Resentment is an internal manifestation of jealousy, disappointment and pain over external circumstances over which you have no control. It’s a destructive state of mind which hurts and negatively affects only you. The person you resent isn’t impacted at all.

If you are feeling resentful, preserve your health and well-being and let go of the burden of your resentment. First thing you must believe is that you have complete control over your thoughts and behaviors. Write down all of the reasons you’ve been resentful, and be specific. Make this list exhaustive. When you’re done, destroy this piece of paper (shred it, burn it, flush it, etc.), and as you do this, let all of those negative thoughts and feelings go with it.

It will feel so good to be free of the weight you’ve been carrying around. And remember that YOU get to decide how to think and react when things don’t go your way.

Question:  Who or what are you resentful of?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Mindset

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Don't give up too easily; persistence pays off in the end." (Thomas H. Palmer) 

"I can accept failure.  Everyone fails at something.  But I can't accept not trying." (Michael Jordan)

"Failure is so important.  We speak about success all the time.  But it is the ability to resist or use failure that often leads to greater success."  (JK Rowling)

"It's not that I'm so smart.  It's just that I stay with problems longer." (Albert Einstein)

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." (Winston Churchill)

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.  The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." (Thomas Edison)

What do each of these successful individuals have in common?  They share an understanding of what they're capable of, view failures as learning opportunities, and the willingness to keep trying until they get it right.  They each have a growth mindset.  

                  

Dr. Carol Dweck, the researcher and expert on developing this concept, explains a growth mindset is the belief that all abilities are trainable...they can be learned. That nothing is fixed.  That we can change everything--intelligence, creativity, athleticism, and even our character--through persistent and adaptive effort. 

At the other end of this spectrum is a fixed mindset, which assumes that our character, intelligence, and creative ability are predetermined--we're born with them--and can't be changed. Success, then, is the proof of that inherent intelligence, an assessment of how those givens measure up against an equally fixed standard. Striving for success and avoiding failure at all costs become a way of maintaining the illusion of being smart or talented.

A significant portion of our behavior comes from these two mindsets, along with our relationship with success and failure in both professional and personal contexts, and ultimately our capacity for happiness.

Do people with a growth mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein, Beethoven or Kobe Bryant?  No, but they believe that a person's true potential is unknown--that it's impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, perseverance, hard work, and training.

What makes the growth mindset so appealing is that it creates a passion for learning rather than a hunger for approval. 

At its core is the belief that human qualities like intelligence and creativity, and love and friendship can be cultivated through effort and deliberate practice. Not only are people with this mindset not discouraged by failure, but they don’t actually see themselves as failing in those situations — they see themselves as learning. 

Dr. Dweck quotes a seventh-grade girl, who captured the difference between the mindsets beautifully:

I think intelligence is something you have to work for.  It isn't just given to you.  Most kids, if they're not sure of an answer, won't raise their hand to answer the question.  But what I usually do is raise my hand, because if I'm wrong, then my mistake will be corrected.  Or I'll raise my hand and say, "How would this be solved?" or "I don't get this. Can you help me?"  Just by doing that, I'm increasing my intelligence.

ADVICE: Cheating on someone you love

Can you really love someone and still cheat on them?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Why friendships change and sometimes end

Friendships are typically built on commonly-shared environments like school, college, job, athletic teams, and so on. Proximity plays a big part of how a friendship develops and is sustained--it's easier when you spend time together regularly.  Friendships are challenged when one person moves away because of the lack of physical presence.

As we mature, meet new people, and have new experiences, we often find our circle of friends changing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  We may realize that we no longer share common interests or beliefs with people we were once close to. 

When we move to another location because of a job or going to college, we might lose touch with our lifelong besties. This doesn't mean that those friendships were a waste of time or not "real."  It simply means that the relationships have served their purpose and have run their course.

This is a long explanation for this simple idea: friendships are fluid. They’re supposed to change because we change and the people we associate with change, too.

ADVICE: Managing a workplace bully: Ten tips

I'm being bullied by my supervisor's son-in-law, who's a colleague.  What are my chances if I fight back, and what's the best course of action to take?

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Compassion

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it's defined as the feeling that arises when you're confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.

Compassion isn't the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. 

Empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person.  

Compassion is when those empathic feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. 

Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion.

ADVICE: Dealing with low self-esteem

How do I deal with low self-esteem?

MEDIA BUZZ: Simone Biles, Naomi Osaka, and mental health

Olympic athletes are our heroes.  They represent hope, perseverance, tenacity, and overcoming obstacles to reach for the gold.  They're the best of the best.

To be an Olympic competitor, they must have a strong body and an equally-robust mental state.  Competition involves physical skill and mental sturdiness.  It is difficult to succeed with one and without the other.

As a licensed mental health counselor, I was heartened when Gold-medalist swimmer Michael Phelps disclosed his battle with mental health.  His disclosure put a familiar and respected face to it and showed that even the strongest body can struggle with what’s going on up in one’s head.  His endorsement of a telemental health service seeks to normalize talking to a professional.  His experience is proof that if mental health issues can happen to an Olympian, it can happen to any one of us, and it can be addressed.

His honesty was instrumental in opening up that conversation.

Michael’s struggle became public knowledge, however, after he stopped competing. Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka found the strength to speak their truth in the midst of the Olympiad.  They unapologetically put their mental health first and took actionable steps to protect it.  Without a solid mental state, their performances would certainly have suffered, but more importantly, they could have put themselves at risk for physical injury.  Choosing self-care above all else is courageous and, frankly, healthy.

I wish more of us would follow suit.

 

Simone Biles

I’d wager that if we asked every Olympic competitor in Tokyo about their mental health status (and did so with the guarantee that their identities would remain secret), they would confirm that participating in the games imposes immeasurable mental distress.

Maybe other athletes are feeling just like Simone and Naomi but are afraid to speak up. 

It’s an all-too-common fear that going public with one’s compromised mental health status puts one at risk of being labeled as “crazy,” “unstable,” or “fragile;” categorized as no longer good enough…or even unworthy of being an Olympic athlete.  Some cultures shun or believe that mental illness isn’t real…including our culture in America. 

Add to that fear the overarching expectation to perform and be the world’s best.  There’s so much riding on that one race or performance: the countless years of training to qualify to compete.  The many sacrifices athletes’ families endure to get their kids to the Games.  The country the athletes represent wants them to bring home more medals than any other so they can make the claim of being first in the world.  The athletes’ hope for endorsement deals that could secure their financial futures.  The physical toll on their bodies and the ever-looming fear that one false step, stroke, or movement could end their careers.

One can understand how it could be just too much for one’s psyche to handle.

Naomi Osaka

Mental health awareness is a systemic and cultural issue that is bigger than any one celebrity can take on to make meaningful change.  But one way to make self-care a priority is to make it acceptable to talk about, and Simone, Naomi and Michael have made some in-roads to that end. 

It’s crucial to our overall well-being to be mindful about how we’re doing mentally, and let our loved ones know when we’re not feeling well.  We need to ask for help when our typical coping strategies no longer work.  We need to get at least 7 hours of sleep in each 24-hour cycle, get regular exercise, and eat better.  We need to take days off when our mental health status makes it difficult to go to work. We need to have activities and interests that make us feel good about ourselves. We need to have a therapist or counselor as a member of our health care team. 

We can all take a role in blurring the line between physical and mental health because they are inextricably connected.  Embracing and respecting the holistic view of the mind-body connection will ultimately serve everyone better…including athletes.

By going public with their mental health struggles, Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka have gained something much more valuable than any Olympic medal. They’ve bravely demonstrated that their experiences are real and important to talk about openly, and in doing so, they’ve reopened this conversation so the millions of people around the world who suffer in silence can find the courage to speak up and seek help.

ADVICE: Making contact after a request for space

My significant other asked me to give them space.  How long should I wait before I contact them?

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Trustworthiness

 

Trust is valuable. It affects everything. Being trusted by others is one of the character attributes necessary to foster healthy relationships and to achieve your most valued goals.

I know from experience that trust isn’t a quick thing you can gain. Like a growing savings account, it's something earned over a period of time, after consistently being honest, always acting with integrity, never lying or misleading. 

If you want to be a person other people trust, take an honest look at your actions and the decisions you make every day.

Here are nine traits of trustworthy people. Do you have them? Can people trust you?

1. Trustworthy people are authentic.

Authentic people are real, meaning they are genuine and have excellent character. They're likeable, humble, and easy to talk to.

2. They are consistent.

Aside from having an occasional bad day, trustworthy people demonstrate consistent, positive behavior. 

3. They have integrity.

People with integrity do and stand up for what's right, even when no one is watching.  They strive to always be truthful.

4. They are compassionate.

Trustworthy people exhibit empathy and compassion through their ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes.

5. They are kind.

Kindness is demonstrated through all of their interactions with others.  They understand that when someone is having a bad day, showing kindness is always the best response.  They are also kind to themselves.

6. They are resourceful.

Trusted people consistently seek to learn, recognize there's always room for improvement, and find ways to work smarter (not harder). Because of this mindset, they use what they know and share resources to inspire and support others.

7. They are connectors.

They look for ways to align like-minded people, and successfully connect them with others who need their knowledge or expertise to help them reach their goals.

8. They are humble.

Trustworthy people shine the spotlight on others first and sincerely celebrate their successes.  They give credit where credit is due, and are quick to recognize that it takes a team--not any one individual--to get things done. 

9. They are available.

They are there for people and reliably support them. They value their relationships and make a conscious effort to foster and celebrate them. 

ADVICE: My BF's parents will pull his financial support if we don't break up...

I started dating my best friend, who's studying to be a pilot. His family says I'm a distraction and threatened to cut his funding if we don't end the relationship. He won't be finished with aviation school for two years.  What do I do?  I think he's "The One."