ADVICE: Parenting young adults

What are some manageable and effective rules for parenting young adults aged 18-25?

The parameters of parenting individuals in this age bracket falls in a gray area: “Should I still actively parent?” versus “Are they able to manage themselves?”

Because young adults under 25 years old don't yet have fully-developed frontal lobes in their brains (where executive functioning skills are housed), it's important to demonstrate, model, and support a young adult in the many practical life skills they need to master--the same ones you had to learn. Executive functions include organizing/planning/prioritizing, starting tasks and staying with them to completion, understanding different points of view, regulating emotions, and self-monitoring (keeping track of what one is doing).

As for laying down rules, it comes down to whether the young adult lives in your home. 

If they do, I recommend that you draw up a contract with your young adult (YA), stating what’s expected of you and what’s expected of them, and the consequences for not meeting those expectations.  Many of these rules will be viewed as "unfair" or "too strict," but remember that it is YOUR home that the YA is being allowed to live in, and as such (much like a lease) there are rules to be followed. A signed contract provides concrete proof of that all parties have agreed to the rules.

Here are a few contract suggestions to get you started:

1. You will allow the YA to live in your home as long as they follow the agreed-upon rules.
2. You will listen without judgment and provide emotional support when necessary.
3. When the YA presents you with a problem, you will first ask whether they want you to just listen or want your advice. You will not solve the problem for them.
4. You will allow the YA to make mistakes and manage the consequences.
5. You will respect the YA’s privacy, and they will return it in kind.
6. The YA will keep their bedroom clean and tidy and clean up after themselves in the common living areas.
7. The YA will do their own laundry and designated household chores.
8. After ___ o’clock, the YA will have no visitors and will not play loud music/TV/video games, etc.
9. The YA agrees to inform you by phone call or text whenever they will not be coming home at night.
10. The YA will get prior permission from you when they want to have a friend stay overnight.  You have the right to refuse to allow any person in your home that you deem to have questionable morals or are participating in questionable activities.
11. The YA (and their visitors) will not use or bring drugs or alcohol into your home.
12. You will refrain from interfering with any issues at the YA’s college/university or place of employment. Refer them to their college advisor or Human Resources office for assistance.
13. You will refrain from “nagging.” Make a request once, and then allow the YA to manage the consequences. (For example, if you remind the YA of an appointment and they miss it, they will reschedule on their own and pay any no-show fees.)
14. The YA will have a job at which they earn a salary. On every payday, the YA in college will pay you 10% of their take-home pay as “rent” (YA's with full-time jobs will pay 20%). Having multiple adults in the home can be costly, and you should not have to bear the total financial burden. You can secretly put the funds in a savings account for them if you wish, but they need to learn the habit of paying a landlord (and they will soon realize the great deal they’re getting for living under your roof). If they fail to comply, you will require the YA to move out.
15. The YA will pay for their own cell phone, service, and maintenance—regardless of whether they live in your home.
16. You will refrain from bailing out the YA. This includes (but is not limited to) arranging and paying for having their car towed when it breaks down, typing a college term paper the night before it’s due, or getting them out of jail.
17. You will treat and speak to the YA with respect, and you will receive the same respect from them. If they fail to comply, you will require the YA to move out.
18. You will refrain from providing transportation for the YA. You are no longer their personal Uber or taxi service. If they need a ride to school or work, they can take public transportation or arrange for a friend or co-worker to give them a lift. 
19. If you allow the YA to use a family car that you own, you will require the YA to pay for their portion of the insurance and maintenance, and all of the gas they use. 
20. If the YA buys or finances a car themselves, they will pay for their own insurance, maintenance, and gas.
21. You will refrain from loaning money to the YA. If they need money, they can get a job (or a second or third one). For example, if the YA has no money for gas, they can take the bus, walk, ride a bike, or get a ride from a friend—NOT you (see Rule #18). Learning to earn and manage money is an important adult skill they must develop and master.
22. You will refrain from making derogatory remarks about the YA’s significant other—even if it's warranted. If the YA wants your opinion about this person, they will ask. (Refer to Rules #2, and 8–12, however.)
23. This bears repeating: let the YA make mistakes and deal with the consequences. They will learn important and valuable life lessons—like confidence, effective problem-solving strategies, and appropriate social skills—when they figure things out for themselves.