How can I accept that I've ruined the best relationship I've ever been in? Insecurity and self-doubt got the best of me. He was a pretty great person. I hate myself now and am trying to work on myself. I know I need to let go of old baggage, but how do I cope when I know it was because of me?
When accepting a Tony award in 2016, actor Frank Langella chose to speak about how the country (and the world) would handle the horrific loss of lives at an Orlando nightclub. Langella said this:
When something bad happens, we have three choices: we let it define us, we let it destroy us, or we let it strengthen us.
So, dear reader, which choice will YOU make as you begin to make sense of what happened in your relationship?
It sounds like you have a good idea what needs to be addressed within you--the main issue being insecurity. A healthy, mutually-satisfying, mutually-respectful and mature adult relationship cannot develop if one or both of the parties is insecure...even just a little bit. Insecurity feeds into the slippery slope of fear, self-doubt, suspicion, and distrust--none of which belongs in a relationship.
I'm proud of you for taking responsibility for how you behaved. That's a huge, positive step forward. Next, you must let go of your self-hatred. It serves absolutely no purpose but to give you reason to let it define you. You made a mistake, based on insecurity. You are human (if you haven't already figured that out). We ALL make mistakes that can hurt others. Forgive yourself for being a flawed human being like the rest of us.
I highly recommend that you find a counselor who will help you to let go of that "old baggage" you speak about, and use what you've learned from this experience to make you a more secure version of you. I promise that when you feel good about yourself to the core, there will be no room for insecurity and self-doubt, and you'll find yourself in another healthier best relationship you've ever been in.
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