POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Trustworthiness

 

Trust is valuable. It affects everything. Being trusted by others is one of the character attributes necessary to foster healthy relationships and to achieve your most valued goals.

I know from experience that trust isn’t a quick thing you can gain. Like a growing savings account, it's something earned over a period of time, after consistently being honest, always acting with integrity, never lying or misleading. 

If you want to be a person other people trust, take an honest look at your actions and the decisions you make every day.

Here are nine traits of trustworthy people. Do you have them? Can people trust you?

1. Trustworthy people are authentic.

Authentic people are real, meaning they are genuine and have excellent character. They're likeable, humble, and easy to talk to.

2. They are consistent.

Aside from having an occasional bad day, trustworthy people demonstrate consistent, positive behavior. 

3. They have integrity.

People with integrity do and stand up for what's right, even when no one is watching.  They strive to always be truthful.

4. They are compassionate.

Trustworthy people exhibit empathy and compassion through their ability to put themselves in other people’s shoes.

5. They are kind.

Kindness is demonstrated through all of their interactions with others.  They understand that when someone is having a bad day, showing kindness is always the best response.  They are also kind to themselves.

6. They are resourceful.

Trusted people consistently seek to learn, recognize there's always room for improvement, and find ways to work smarter (not harder). Because of this mindset, they use what they know and share resources to inspire and support others.

7. They are connectors.

They look for ways to align like-minded people, and successfully connect them with others who need their knowledge or expertise to help them reach their goals.

8. They are humble.

Trustworthy people shine the spotlight on others first and sincerely celebrate their successes.  They give credit where credit is due, and are quick to recognize that it takes a team--not any one individual--to get things done. 

9. They are available.

They are there for people and reliably support them. They value their relationships and make a conscious effort to foster and celebrate them. 

ADVICE: My BF's parents will pull his financial support if we don't break up...

I started dating my best friend, who's studying to be a pilot. His family says I'm a distraction and threatened to cut his funding if we don't end the relationship. He won't be finished with aviation school for two years.  What do I do?  I think he's "The One."

ADVICE: How do I stop thinking about someone who abandoned me?

I dream about my ex all the time even though he abandoned me while I was pregnant and treats me like I don't matter. How can I stop?

ADVICE: I ruined a great relationship...what do I do now?

How can I accept that I've ruined the best relationship I've ever been in? Insecurity and self-doubt got the best of me. He was a pretty great person. I hate myself now and am trying to work on myself. I know I need to let go of old baggage, but how do I cope when I know it was because of me?

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Empathy

Empathy (noun):  the ability to share someone else's feelings or experiences by imagining what it would be like to be in that person's situation.

Empathy involves the ability to emotionally understand what another person is experiencing. Essentially, it is putting yourself in someone else's shoes and feeling what they must be feeling. When you see another person suffering, you might be able to instantly envision yourself in the other person's place and have an understanding for what they're going through.

For many, seeing another person in pain and responding with indifference or even outright hostility seems utterly incomprehensible. But the fact that some people do respond in such a way clearly demonstrates that empathy is not necessarily a universal response to the suffering of others.

Empathy is a learned behavior.  It develops over time by observing others behaving empathically and practicing the behavior.  The biological explanation is that empathy happens when two parts of the brain work together—the emotional center perceives the feelings of others and the cognitive center tries to understand why they feel that way and how we can be helpful to them. 

Research has shown that empathy makes people better family members and friends, managers and workers.  But it’s bigger than just its personal effect. We’re all in this together, and research shows that connection and compassion are crucial to a sustainable and humane future. 

According to VeryWellMind, there are different types of empathy that a person may experience:

• Affective empathy involves the ability to understand another person's emotions and respond appropriately.  Such emotional understand may lead to someone feeling concerned for another person's well-being, or it may lead to feelings of personal distress.

• Somatic empathy involves having a sort of physical reaction in response to what someone else is experiencing.  People sometimes physically experience what another person is feeling.  When you see someone feeling embarrassed, for example, you might start to blush or have an upset stomach.

• Cognitive empathy involves being able to understand another person's mental state and what they might be thinking in response to the situation.  This is related to what psychologists refer to as "theory of mind," or thinking about what other people are thinking.

Empathy is an important factor in building and having good character, and makes one a better person overall.  Imagine how our world would be changed if everyone knew how to be empathic and used it in all of their interactions.

We'd be in a much better place, to be sure.

Welcome to the Counselor's Desk

I've been a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in New York State since 2000, and over the years my clients have struggled to understand why people (including themselves) act the way they do.

Most people wonder the same thing.

So, I will do my best to make some sense out of human behavior as I understand it in the [duh.] "Understanding Human Behavior" posts.

In my job, I'm frequently asked what I would do if I was in the client's shoes.  Of course, in counseling we never give our opinions--we help the client figure out solutions on their own.  But in this blog, I present a no-holds-barred approach to solving problems in the "Advice" posts.

In the spirit of helping people become the best version of themselves, I will address the building blocks of good character--what I call "Positive Attributes."

When the topic of mental health makes the news in one form or another, I will provide my honest take in the "Media Buzz" posts. 

Occasionally I will defer to people who are much more knowledgeable than I and will present their wisdom in the "Expert Advice" posts.

If you have questions, please email me at possonrm@sunysccc.edu and you might get them answered on this blog.

Thanks for stopping by my desk.

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Integrity

Having integrity means doing the right thing in a reliable way. It's a personality trait that we admire, since it means a person has a moral compass that doesn't waver.

A person who has integrity lives their values in relationships with family, friends, coworkers, and strangers. Honesty and trust are central to integrity.

Integrity means following your moral or ethical convictions and doing the right thing in all circumstances, even if no one is watching you. Having integrity means you are true to yourself and would do nothing that demeans or dishonors you.

Having integrity is a positive character trait, where you are regarded as being honest and truthful in your actions.

Integrity is the practice of being honest and showing a consistent and uncompromising adherence to strong moral and ethical principles and values. In ethics, integrity is regarded as the honesty and truthfulness or accuracy of one's actions.

The good news about integrity is that we're not born with it—or without it—which means that it's a behavior-based virtue we can cultivate over time.

At the root of integrity is doing the right thing even when it’s not acknowledged by others, or convenient for you. 

Examples of everyday integrity:

• Keep your promises even if it takes extra effort.
• Go back to a store and pay for something you forgot to pay for.
• Never betray a friend's trust even if you get in trouble.
• Inform the cashier they gave you too much change back.
• Don't gossip or talk badly about someone.
• Remain true to your spouse or partner.
• When in a serious relationship, don't keep secrets from each other.
• Don't cheat on an exam even if you knew you wouldn't get caught.
• Return money that you noticed someone dropped without expecting a reward.
• Don't let someone else take the blame for something you did.
• If someone gives you confidential information, never tell anyone what you know.
• When it is obvious to you a relationship is over, don't drag it out but discuss it openly.

EXPERT ADVICE: Benefitting from Failure

Failure isn't fatal.  Neither is rejection.  Failing doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.  Failure is an opportunity to make adjustments, tweaks, changes, improvements so you can make a strong comeback.

Failure might hurt a little at first, but when you have grit <insert link to grit post>, it inspires you to want to do better.

Instead of letting repeated failures be a sign to give up, people with grit persevere.

The book Carrie by Stephen King was rejected 30 times before it was published.

Animal Farm by George Orwell was rejected because there was no market for animal stories in the USA back then.

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone was rejected 12 times and J. K. Rowling was told “not to quit her day job.”

Walt Disney was fired from his job at the Kansas City Star in 1919 because, his editor said, he “lacked imagination and had no good ideas.”

Charles Darwin wasn’t enthused on becoming a scientist his whole life because his father called him lazy and too dreamy. Darwin once wrote, “I was considered by all my masters and my father, a very ordinary boy, rather below the common standard of intellect.”

So always remember: Be proud of your work. And never quit trying.

Source: https://medium.com/personal-growth/the-theory-of-grit-as-a-predictor-of-success-in-life-24274ceec46

ADVICE: Overcoming fear of asking someone out

“How can I overcome the fear of asking someone out?”

 

Fear is a powerful emotional response. For example, a fear of falling helps us to take extra precautions when walking on ice. A fear of failure keeps us from trying new things. The fear of rejection keeps us feeling insecure and unworthy, therefore making it difficult to find a partner who is good for us.

Ask yourself this question: “What’s the worst thing that will happen if I ask this person out and they say no?”

If you fear being embarrassed, keep this in mind:  embarrassment is something we bring on ourselves, and as such, we can mentally prepare ourselves and control whether we’ll feel that way if we’re turned down. Besides, why get embarrassed just because this person doesn’t recognize what an awesome person you are?

If you fear that no one will never say yes to you, then you’ve got a problem. If you fear that there will never be anyone in your life if this one says no, then the problem is bigger than that.

Get connected with a therapist to help you get to the root of your fear, develop strategies to overcome this fear of rejection, and learn how to feel more confident in all aspects of your life.

Then you'll be ready to get out there and start asking people to go out...and secure enough to handle whatever the response is.

ADVICE: Choosing the right partner

"How do I choose the right partner?"

This is a question every person who has ever wanted to be a part of a couple asks themselves at one time or another.

If you think about it, choosing a partner with whom to build a healthy relationship is a lot like shopping for a car. 

Imagine you're ready to buy your first car, but you've decided you're not going to get just any set of wheels.  This ride must have everything you want.  For the time-being, you'll take public transportation to get you where you need to go, and will do so until the right car comes along because you don't want to rush into something you'll regret later.

There are so many choices to consider out there:  all the different makes, models, colors, choosing gas vs. electric vs. hybrids, 4-wheel vs front-wheel drive...it could get really overwhelming!

To avoid wasting your time, money, and energy, you make a list that narrows down everything your new wheels must have, along with the reasons that would make you walk away from a deal.  Being very clear with what you want and don't want will make it easy to recognize a good match and resist the temptation of settling on something less-than:

The car I buy absolutely must:

1. be a brand-new Nissan Sentra two-door coupe
2. get 30mpg or better
3. have a kick-a$$ stereo with a one-year Pandora subscription included
4. be cherry red color

I will absolutely walk away if:

1. it costs more than $25,000
2. the salesperson disrespects me/talks down to me
3. the warranty is for less than 3 years

At the first car dealership you visit, you tell the salesperson what you want, but they say they don’t have any new Sentras. Instead they try to get you to test drive a blue hatchback that’s only three years old. The stereo works great but there’s no Pandora, it gets 27 mpg, and there’s a 24-month bumper-to-bumper warranty. The salesperson claims that this option is $5000 cheaper than a new one, and says you'd be stupid if you don't drive it off the lot today. 

Here’s your predicament:  You really want a car.  Sometimes taking the bus sucks and your commute to work takes forever.  This car looks like it's in good shape and would definitely get you where you want to go.  You could buy it on the spot.  You can afford it.  It’s not that old and you could live with the color. Sentras are famous for being reliable vehicles, and Consumer Reports says that even the three-year-old model is a good value for the money.

What do you do? 

You check your list. Go through each of the requirements and the deal-breakers and compare with what you've got.  Unfortunately, this car doesn't meet any of your requirements and one of the deal-breakers of being disrespected by the salesperson happened.  You will not settle on a car that's good-enough-for-now just because the opportunity is there and your life would be easier if you had wheels again.  You. Must. Walk. Away.  Even though you're disappointed and maybe a little discouraged, you keep looking…and checking your list...and riding the bus…and checking your list...until you find that cherry-red Nissan Sentra that meets every one of your requirements and has none of the deal-breakers...no matter how long it takes.

That’s what choosing the right partner is like.  You have to be very clear with what you're looking for--the qualities and circumstances this person must have--and be equally as certain of what would make you walk away immediately--anything that goes against the law, your values, or makes your inner voice say, "Uh-oh."

One example for choosing a potential partner could look like this (but choose whatever is important to you):

Requirements:

1. Must always treat me with kindness and respect
2. Must be employed
3. Must have their own money
4. Must have their own car
5. Must have their own place to live
6. Must take me on a date night twice a month

Deal-Breakers:

1. Criminal record
2. Any kind of abuse or aggression directed toward me or others
3. Has kids
4. Smokes cigarettes
5. Speaks disrespectfully about former partners, family members, etc.

No joke--this process takes a lot of trial and error, patience and time.  Knowing exactly which qualities this person must have and demonstrate consistently, and which ones take them out of the running will keep you on the right track.

As you're living your fabulous single life, and hang out with a variety of people, remember:

• Always refer to your lists, because the excitement of meeting someone new--especially one you're physically attracted to--can cloud your judgment
• Don’t waste your time (or theirs) if they're missing even one requirement on your list
• Resist the urge to let someone who doesn't match everything on your lists slide with the hope that they will eventually change (because they won't)
• Walk away the moment you discover they’re not right for you
• Don't settle for less-than.  Ever.
• Keep at it until you find that person that has everything you want on the list, and none of the things you don’t.
• It will be worth it.

ADVICE: Why is it so difficult to find the right partner?

“Why am I having so much trouble finding the right partner?”

It's often blatantly obvious when a couple isn't right for each other.  You probably know a few and wonder why they stay together.  Maybe you've been in that boat yourself. 

Some people latch onto anyone who shows them a modicum of attention, and stay with this person because they can't afford to live by themselves. Some settle for a partner who treats them like dirt because they're afraid of being alone. Others stay in bad relationships because they don't want to lose friends or contact with their partner's family. 

The reasons people have unhealthy relationships are fear, insecurity, and needing resources to meet one's basic needs. Fear of living alone.  Fear of dying alone.  Fear of becoming homeless.  Fear of not having enough money to live on.  Fear of losing one's social network.  Fear of never having another relationship.

If you have these fears, you're not ready to be in a relationship.  Period.  It's important to connect with a counselor or trusted mentor to sort out how these fears developed, and how to rid yourself of them.  

Once these fears no longer rule your decisions, then you're ready for the next step in preparing for finding the right partner:  You must first be happy and content with being single. 

Everyone seeking a partner should be emotionally, socially and financially independent.  This ensures you're seeking a relationship out of "want" and not out of "need."  

You need to build and embrace a life of your own first.  

So where do you start?  Ask yourself these questions:

1. Can I afford to live on my own?  (If not, what can I do so that I can?)

2. Do I have at least one close friend who will provide unconditional emotional support?

3. Do I have interests that I can pursue either by myself or with a group of others?

If you answered no to any of these, do whatever it takes to make it possible to answer yes:

• Start a savings account to move out on your own (get a second or third job if necessary).  
• Rent a room or find a small studio apartment to start. 
• Cultivate friendships wherever you're with other people: work, school, house of worship.  
• Look for meetups in your area that focus on your interests.  
• Take a class.  
• Join a club.  
• Volunteer for a cause that is important to you.

The goal is to love your single life so much that if you never had a healthy, long-term relationship, you'd still be happy and content with the life you have built.  

Only then will you be in a position to find a partner who is equally as secure and independent, and your chances of having a healthy and fulfilling relationship skyrocket.  And if you do find the love-of-your-life, you still have money, friends, and interests that are yours alone.