ADVICE: People who don’t take COVID-19 seriously

“I get so angry when I see people in the store without a mask, or wearing it under their chin, and not following the 6-foot social distancing rules. Sometimes I just want to scream at them to raise their masks and keep their distance.  What can I do to get them to do the right thing?”

Photo credit: Centers for Disease Control

I hear you. I am consistently amazed at how many people think that the pandemic isn’t as serious as is being reported, that masks don’t work and wearing them is a sign of government control, that the vaccines will change our DNA, and that the number of people dying are made up.  It’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact that they think they’re smarter than the science and data that say otherwise.

So where do they come up with these crazy notions?

Someone is repeatedly misinforming them, and they’re choosing to believe what they hear. Just like we choose to believe what we’re hearing repeatedly.

They feel very strongly about what they believe, just as strongly as our beliefs.

But we can’t convince them they’re wrong any more than they can convince us we are.

To answer your question, it’s natural to feel anger when we witness others disrespecting our rights and violating public health mandates, but using that energy in a positive way by following the COVID-19 protocols that the scientists are telling us will slow the spread is the best way to handle it. 

Do your part, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing. We have no control over others…only over what we choose to do.

Stay strong, and stay the course. Herd immunity is on its way.

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Personal Boundaries

Photo Credit: PonderAbout.com

In his poem "Mending Wall," Robert Frost writes "good fences make good neighbors," and that man "makes boundaries and he breaks boundaries."

Just like a good fence that gives your neighbor the visual reminder of what's yours and what's theirs, personal boundaries are essential for building character.  In essence, they're the set of firm guidelines we build and live by that gives us permission to be genuine and true to ourselves without fear or shame, lets others know how we want to be treated, and the consequences for mistreating us or violating a boundary.   

Without personal boundaries, life can be frustrating, overwhelming and often painful. People disrespect you, abuse your kindness, and demand your time and energy...on their terms.

When you lack personal boundaries or don't uphold them (called “floppy boundaries” in the counseling world), some people think it’s perfectly acceptable to criticize you, offer unsolicited advice or pass judgment on your life choices.

As a result, you’ll more likely doubt yourself and your decisions and find yourself in a downward spiral of backpedaling, jumping through hoops to please others, and keeping your mouth shut just to keep the peace.  Unfortunately, these behaviors make you a human doormat.

Some examples of healthy boundaries include:

• Asking for what you want and need from those around you
• Being comfortable saying "No" and without guilt
• Saying "Yes" because you want to, and not out of obligation or to please others
• Taking care of yourself first
• Making choices based on your values and beliefs
• Feeling safe and valid when expressing difficult emotions
• Being treated like an equal and that you matter
• Knowing that your happiness is your responsibility
• Knowing that you're not responsible for someone else's happiness
• Being comfortable disagreeing
• Knowing who you are, what you believe, and what you like
• Being comfortable changing your mind

In sum, it’s healthy to have that good, imaginary fence around you.  Personal boundaries reveal to others your genuine self, teaches them how you want to be treated, and defines the limits of their often-unwanted and unsolicited input.

James Joyce knew what he was talking about.

ADVICE: Do you regret breaking up with someone?

“Have you ever regretted breaking up with your partner when you are the one who initiated the breakup?  If so, how is life right now?”

Photo Credit: Quote Master

I have never regretted any of the breakups I initiated.  Or the ones that were forced on me. 

When the breakups happened, I was of course sad, hurt, angry…all of those things. 

But there are lessons to be learned in every broken relationship. Whether a person embraces and owns up to the mistakes that were made and learns how to do better and not make the same mistakes again determines how their future relationships will turn out.

I have often pondered how my life would be vastly different if I had stayed with my controlling, abusive ex-husband: the negative physical and emotional toll that living in a chaotic household for years would take on me, my stunted career opportunities, being isolated from family and friends, and how my daughters’ opinions of men and marriage would be skewed, and it wouldn’t have been good at all. 

Ending my marriage was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and it caused a lot of anger, hurt, and plunged me and my kids into poverty. But doing so literally saved not only my life, but theirs as well.  It was so worth it.

In time, I sorted out why my marriage fell apart, what part I played in its downfall, and made a conscious choice to make improvements in myself so I’d be less likely to make the same mistakes in subsequent relationships. Was I then transformed into a perfect partner? Oh hell no. Old habits die hard. But with each relationship (and breakup), I learned how to do and be better.

I’m in a much better place now, and am happily married to a man who treats me like gold. I’ve also learned what being a supportive, loving and respectful spouse is supposed to be like, and I work very hard every day to treat my spouse as I would like to be treated. It’s been working pretty well for the past 12 years.

I don’t regret any of the breakups I’ve endured.  Every one has brought me to exactly where I wanted to be.

 

ADVICE: Clearing a bad reputation

“I recently did something that makes most people not trust me any more. Should I care about clearing my reputation, or should I allow them to think whatever they want about me?”

 

Photo Credit: The Importance of a Reputation Bank Account

Your reputation reflects the perceptions others have of you: your behaviors, words, work ethic, how you treat other people and how you allow others to treat you, and your integrity. These help formulate how others see you and the opinions they have about the kind of person you are. 

Building a reputation is like having a savings account.  Whenever you show good character, do what you say you will, tell the truth, do a good deed, and so on, you make deposits into that account.  If you make a minor mistake (say, telling a lie and getting caught), a withdrawal is taken from that account but will cover you most of the time.  However, when you mess up big-time, the account balance can go to zero (or below) and your reputation account is depleted.  That means you have to start again by behaving in ways where people can begin to trust and rely on you so you can rebuild relationships and replenish the account.

As for others’ opinions of you, it depends on who you respect and value. If people you don’t really care about are talking about you…let them talk. Who cares what they think? However, have you done something to change how a person you admire thinks about you? Unfortunately, you can’t control what other people think or believe. What you DO have the power to do is to change your behavior, words and integrity, and improve the way you see yourself.

If you’ve done or said something to take a bite out of your reputation, not all is lost. Now is the time to rebuild it. Say you’re sorry to anyone you have hurt or disrespected, and then promise to never to it again. Make amends for any losses other people have incurred by your actions: fix or replace items damaged or repay money you’ve borrowed, and then promise to never do it again. Behave in ways that others will respect you for. Speak in ways that uplift others. Work on the goals you’ve set for your education or career. Keep the promises you make. 

Reputations can be rebuilt after doing or saying something you wish you hadn’t. It absolutely can be done.  But it takes time, consistency, energy, and a commitment to do and be better.

 

ADVICE: How to help a partner with past childhood trauma

“My BF has many issues and has not processed his childhood traumas.  We’ve been together for a year, and we’ve had many arguments.  He shares a lot with me, but I can’t do the same because the smallest things trigger him.  I feel awful thinking about leaving.  What should I do?”

 

Photo Credit:  Therapy Route

He needs to get professional help to work through his traumas…you cannot be his therapist. Admitting that he needs help is probably terrifying for him. The idea of making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in trauma is equally frightening. Going through trauma counseling is very intense, painful, and exhausting, but for people who stick with it, their lives can be transformed for the better. 

Unfortunately, he has to decide to take those steps himself, and there’s nothing you can do to expedite this or make it easier for him.

One important thing for you to remember: Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your relationship will not get better on its own. Your arguments will not stop (they might, in fact, get worse and/or become more frequent). You’ll still be walking on eggshells around him in another year, five years, 20 years…if nothing changes.

I recommend that you yourself get connected with a therapist to help you sort through all of this, and come up with a plan for the best course of action for you to take. Taking care of yourself first is absolutely necessary, and it might encourage him to do the same.

 

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: When a partner is “secretive”

“Why are some partners so secretive with their phones, even if they swear that they’re not cheating?”

 

Photo Credit:  Communications of the ACM

It’s healthy and necessary for our personal happiness and growth when both we and our partner have some elements of our lives that are ours alone: our own friends, interests, and activities that we don’t share with them. It’s crucial for us to remain fully-functioning and emotionally complete individuals in addition to being part of a committed couple. As long as they don’t endanger the trust and integrity of our relationships, we need things and people that are only ours. 

As for your concern, let’s put the shoe on the other foot: Imagine if your best friend told you that she’s thinking of leaving her boyfriend, and doesn’t want anyone to know…including your partner. You promised you’d keep that confidence. Now, imagine that your partner is fishing for information on your phone that would disclose your friend’s plan. You wouldn’t like that, and you’d do everything you could to protect the trust your friend has in you.

That might be what’s going on with your partner.

Here’s another thing to consider: if your partner said something like, “I can’t share what’s on my phone because my friend Mary is going through a tough time and I promised to keep what’s going on private,” would this ease your mind or cause you to be more suspicious than you already are?

The real issue here, however, isn’t about what’s on your partner’s phone that you feel entitled to see. You’re feeling insecure about your relationship and are searching for “proof” that your suspicions are correct. If your partner hasn’t given you any other cause to distrust them, give them the benefit of the doubt now.  Tell them how you’re feeling about all of this in a calm and honest way. But if the secrecy about the phone is one more red flag why you question their fidelity, then you have to do something about it.

Get connected with a therapist who will help you to sort this all out, why you’re feeling insecure and distrustful, and develop strategies for a plan of action that’s right for you.

 

ADVICE: Why do I always love too much?

“I always love too much in any relationship and sometimes I become restless for that person.  How can I control that?”

 

Photo Credit: Emotional Intelligence and You

Healthy, loving, mutually-satisfying relationships require give and take from both partners. I’m not talking about keeping score, but over time both partners feel loved, respected, and valued.

“Loving too much” is a sign of desperation and imbalance in the effort put into a relationship. 

You’re giving and giving and doing and doing with the hope that your partner will reciprocate for you. When your partner doesn’t respond, you give more and do more.  And the cycle continues.

Your restlessness is really your subconscious showing you the truth about the future of this relationship, and you’re afraid to acknowledge what that means. 

You already know deep down that you don’t have the relationship you wish you had.

How can you control it? Well, the only control you have is changing what you’re doing, because what you’re doing now isn’t getting you what you want. 

Talk with your partner and let them know how you’re feeling. If they respond by validating your feelings, apologizing and then doing all they can to make you feel loved, respected, and valued, then you have your answer and the problem is solved. 

But if they respond with anger, disrespect your feelings, and tell you you’re too sensitive or crazy, then you have a difficult decision to make.

Get connected with a therapist who will help you sort this all out, develop a strategy to manage it, boost your self-esteem, and create an appropriate plan of action.

Bottom line is...you deserve AT LEAST as much as you’re giving.

 

PARENTING ADVICE: Stopping my daughter from dying her hair

"How do I stop my 21-year-old daughter from dying her hair pink?"

Photo Credit: Style Caster

A 21-year-old woman is capable of making her own decisions. With that comes the consequences of those decisions.

As parents, we innately want to protect our kids from disappointment, embarrassment, and pain. But we have to let them make those choices/mistakes, or else they’ll never learn how to bounce back when life is unkind to them.

That said, in the grand scheme of things, what’s the harm in dying her hair? Sometimes we just want to do something different or feel like we’re making a fresh start. She’s just exercising her desire to be her own person, which is what every parent wants for their kid.

Who knows…this color could look lovely on her and boost her self-esteem, or she may find out for herself that having pink hair isn’t right for her, and she can always dye it back. But that will be HER decision.

You really have no say in this.  Just love her as she is.

EXPLAINING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Desperation

"Why do desperate people do crazy things?"

Photo Credit: TheGoodVibe.co

Desperation is a state of being that is always rooted in fear, and is partnered with a horrible gut feeling that one is about to lose something or someone. Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being caught, fear of losing a job…fear is the culprit. 

Except for when literally saving one’s own (or another person’s) life, desperation isn’t a healthy state to be in and never a good way to hold onto things and people. 

People who are afraid of losing <fill in the blank> and believing they can’t live without it will do and say just about anything to prevent the loss from happening.  I think that’s the “crazy things” you’re referring to.

Doing “crazy things” could delay the loss temporarily, but when that fear rears its ugly head again (and it will), the vicious cycle would continue. Guaranteed.

Desperation is an indication that a person is insecure, perhaps emotionally immature. Partnering with a therapist is the first step to rid oneself of this toxic mindset and to learn how to live free of this debilitating fear. 

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Repeating mistakes

"Why do some people keep making the same mistakes over and over?"

Photo Credit: Cognizant Softvision

First, it’s easy for outsiders to judge other people and wonder why they aren’t doing something different to get a better outcome. Truth is, we’re not living their life. We don’t know the details of their circumstances. We really can’t know what’s going on with them and why they behave the way they do.

There’s a saying that explains when change actually comes about: “People will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of doing something different.”

If you keep in mind that all human behavior is based on getting one’s basic needs met, then it makes sense why some people don’t “learn their lesson” when they seem to be repeatedly making the same mistakes. 

Maybe their behavior is the only way they know how to meet their needs, and changing that behavior would be too scary or difficult to do…and may jeopardize their survival. Therefore, they choose to not change...for good reason.

They’re doing what they need to get by.

When a child figures out that throwing a temper tantrum in a store would score them candy because their parent will do anything to stop the tantrum, why would that child choose to behave any differently? Without the tantrum, there’d be no candy, and so the behavior continues.

See what I mean?

Remember that people behave the way they do for reasons that makes sense to them in their circumstances.

And a little compassion for our differences goes a long way.

ADVICE: Boyfriend says things he doesn’t mean

"How do I approach my boyfriend whenever he starts saying harsh words that I know he doesn't mean to?"

Photo Credit: Whisper

First, let me preface my response by acknowledging that we all—at times—have said things (sometimes in anger) without editing or filtering.  I’ve been guilty of that myself on occasion.

The truth is all of us can control everything we say and do, and when we mess up, we also have the ability to apologize and protect our relationships.

That said, if your boyfriend speaks harshly very infrequently (like once or twice a year--at most), and you tell him how his behavior makes you feel, and he responds by immediately apologizing and makes consistent effort to improve your relationship, then we can certainly forgive this human error. 

But if his “harsh words” are commonplace and are targeted at you, then that’s a much bigger problem. 

This behavior is considered verbal abuse, a non-physical type of domestic violence (it applies even if you don’t live together), and it has no place in your relationship.

If he’s frequently angry, defensive, gaslights you, makes threats, and makes you feel unsafe, then you must take every action to protect yourself.  (Call 911 for help if necessary.)  If you live together, arrange to stay with a friend or your family to temporarily put some space between the two of you.

Speak with a trained advocate on the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) who will listen without judgment, help you develop a strategy to stay safe, and get you connected with your local domestic violence agency and a therapist who can help you map out your next steps.

Please remember that your boyfriend’s behavior is not because of anything you’ve said or done...it’s a sign of deeply-rooted insecurity and that’s something he can work on with a therapist as well.

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Taking risks in relationships

Photo Credit: The Training Associates

Why do people take risks in relationships? It depends on the kind of risks being taken.

If I take a risk to be honest, open and genuine with my partner, it means that I trust them with my vulnerabilities and true self, and do so to deepen our relationship.

If I take a risk by moving away with my partner to pursue my career (or so that they can pursue theirs), it means that we’re mutually supportive and committed to the well-being and longevity of our relationship, and respect the career choices we each have made.

If I take a risk by having a long-distance relationship or taking a trip without my partner, it means I trust my partner and my partner trusts me to remain committed and faithful while we’re apart.

If I take a risk by marrying my partner, it means that I am committed to do all I can to make the relationship healthy, strong, and loving until the day I die. It also means that I will remain faithful and committed to my partner.

If I take a risk by hooking up with someone outside the relationship, it means that:

1. I’m emotionally insecure and need confirmation that I’m still interesting and attractive to other people
2. I want those “butterflies in the stomach” romantic feelings again
3. I want to see how much I can get away with
4. It feels good to be “naughty”
5. I don’t want to be monogamous and want to be with other people
6. I’m unhappy/unsatisfied in the relationship and am seeking a potential new partner before I break up with my current partner

Taking risks are necessary in relationships, as long as the outcome of those risks taken doesn’t compromise the trust, integrity, commitment and well-being of that relationship.

ADVICE: The breakup with my ex didn’t feel “right”

“I can’t stop thinking about my ex because the breakup didn’t feel “right.”  I feel like I should write to them and try to get them back. What should I do?”

Photo credit: Genius.com

[Public Service Announcement: Don’t be this girl.]

ADVICE: What would you do if you caught your boyfriend holding hands with a woman in public?

Photo:  elements.envato.com

First, let me say that I’m a firm believer in listening to our inner voice, that “gut feeling” that always tells us the truth...even when the truth isn’t something we want to hear.

Second, you need to think back to whether there have been other instances in your relationship that would cause you not to trust your boyfriend.

That said, after allowing my heart rate to come back to normal, I would calmly ask him who this person is and why he was exhibiting this public display of affection with someone other than me.

Now, he may have a perfectly good reason why he was holding that woman’s hand.  Maybe she’s a friend or co-worker who’s going through a tough time and he was offering emotional support in that way.

Maybe he thought he was being discreet about being with this woman, and you’d never find out.

Or may be WANTED to be caught so you’d get angry and leave him so he wouldn’t have to be the one to end your relationship.

Regardless of his explanation, you need to let him know how seeing him holding another woman’s hand made you feel.  Tell him what your inner voice is saying to you.  That you feel disrespected.  How angry you are.  That you’re sad to have made this discovery.  How you fear that this is a sign that your relationship is in trouble.

Then, listen carefully to how he responds to your feelings.  Does he validate them, understand how you feel, and reassure you that he loves only you?  Or does he tell you that you’re crazy for feeling that way...that you’re reading too much into it?

Based on his responses, you can decide how your life will move forward.  What does your gut tell you is the right way (NOT the easiest way) to resolve this?  What’s best for YOU?

If you believe to your core that he’s devoted to only you, then you need to work on your fears and insecurities.

If he tells you that you and he are no longer an exclusive, monogamous couple, then you must decide what to do next.

I recommend not making this decision on your own.  It would be helpful to work with a therapist to remedy your insecurities and give your confidence and self-esteem a shot in the arm.  Then you’ll have an abundance of strength to decide whether this relationship is worth saving, and the tools to take action if necessary.