ADVICE: A badmouthing spouse

“Do men who constantly complain to other women about their wives do it to let them know they’re unhappy and therefore willing to cheat?  My husband badmouths me to friends, neighbors, co-workers and basically anyone who will listen.” 

 

Image: whisper.sh

 

I’ve been in your shoes. Forty years ago, my first husband used to tell everyone who’d listen how stupid, clumsy, and fat I was, and that he regretted not holding out for someone better. I believed him. And, yes, he did cheat on me. It took the emotional support from an awesome therapist to help me to understand that his behavior wasn’t because of what was lacking in me…but what was lacking in HIM. I also learned how to love and value who I am. I eventually found the strength to boot him out because he refused to change. 

Now let’s address your husband’s disrespectful behavior.  He badmouths you because he is insecure and immature. If he felt good about himself and had better communication skills, he wouldn’t put you down to other people. If something was bothering him, he would instead discuss it openly and privately with you and only you. He’d also acknowledge on a regular basis what an awesome human being you really are and how damn lucky he is to have you. 

There’s no way of knowing whether he’s doing all of this to convince himself that it’s okay to have an affair. He clearly has some serious issues that need to be addressed. However, it’s important to remember that you have no control over his behavior, but you most certainly have the power to change yours. 

I strongly recommend that you get connected with a therapist to find ways to bolster your self-esteem, communicate more effectively with him, and build healthy boundaries in the relationship. Once you have those in place, you’ll let him know you’ll no longer tolerate this disrespectful behavior. Then, he’ll either choose to change…or he’ll decide he won’t. Either way, you’ll know for sure how invested he is in your marriage, and you can decide whether you think it’s worth saving. 

 

ADVICE: Emotionally detaching from another person

"How do you emotionally detach yourself from somebody who shows you no love and affection no matter how hard you try?"

Graphic: Google Images

Believe it or not, you have full control over disconnecting with this person who clearly does not value you. 

The real issue here, however, is not about the other person; it’s about what’s lacking in YOU emotionally. The fact that you’re asking this question tells me that you’re frustrated with the effort you've put into the relationship and not getting at least as much effort in return, and you're ready to make a change.

Get connected with a therapist who can help you to better understand how you got involved with an emotionally-distant person and sort out what’s at the root of that. They can also help you to improve your self-esteem, which will put you in a much better position to only give your love and affection to a person who will gladly reciprocate.

ADVICE: Frustrated with relationships

“I’m frustrated with my failed relationships.  What should I do?”

Photo: Google Images

Focus on yourself. Get involved with interests and activities that make you happy. When it’s safe to do so, travel. Hang out with friends. Volunteer your time in ways that improve other people’s lives.

Once you’re completely comfortable with being alone and believe your life is full and complete without being in a relationship, then you’ll be in a better position to recognize potential partners who are also fully independent.

It’s amazing how relationships improve when both partners want each other, but don’t NEED each other.

ADVICE: Getting back together with an ex...or not?

"I've been feeling like I want to get back with my ex but I feel conflicted because I also started developing feelings for my friend.  I don't know who I should choose.  What should I do?"

It's not unusual for us to have thoughts about reuniting with an ex.  After all, this is someone we once shared our lives with.  Someone we made memories with.  Someone we loved.  

One thing to keep in mind, though, is that your ex is your ex for a reason (or many reasons).  Have the reasons you broke up been resolved or changed in ways that would increase the chances of having a better relationship this time?  If so, see if your ex is interested in getting together again, too, and see how it plays out.  But if not, it's best not to go there.

It's also normal to have feelings for other people, and to be conflicted as to who to choose to be with.  The best relationships are built on solid friendships, so if your friend feels the same way about you, you could talk about taking the friendship to another level.  Even if they don't have romantic feelings for you, you still have a really good friend in your life.

If after thinking about all of this you're still not sure what to do...do nothing.  Do some more soul searching, and wait until you are certain about what you want and who you want to have a relationship with.

Take your time. There's no rush.

ADVICE: Learning to avoid crying

“How do I learn how not to cry?”

I get asked this question all the time, and my response is always, "Why would you want to?"

Babies cry to communicate their needs:  when they're hungry, tired, bored, in pain, or they just want to be held.  If you think about it, adults cry for the same reasons.

Crying is a necessary response to a hurt, disappointment, stress, or loss.  Regardless of the reason, you're crying because you feel something, and it's extremely important to let it all out.  It's healthy.  

We sometimes hate crying in front of others because we feel vulnerable and embarrassed.  We don't like seeing others cry because it makes us uncomfortable and feel helpless because we don't know how to help.  People shame us and call us names like "cry-baby."  Maybe someone has even told us, "Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about."

Learning how to keep from crying goes against everything that's good for you.  Pretending to be happy is fooling no one but yourself.  Crying displays the real, honest, and genuine you, which is the very best version of yourself to show the world. 

There's another huge benefit to letting the tears flow:  Did you know that in addition to salt and water, tears contain the stress hormones that build up when we're angry, afraid, or upset?  Crying is the fastest and most efficient way to rid your body of these toxins.

So let those tears flow freely.

If you need emotional support during a difficult time, connect with a therapist--where you'll find no judgment, an endless supply of Kleenex, and learn to get more comfortable with expressing your feelings.

And you have my permission to tell anyone who calls you a "cry-baby" to go pound salt.  

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Persistence

If little babies believed that giving up was an option when learning how to walk, we'd all be crawling around on our hands and knees.  

Have you noticed, though, that babies NEVER give up?  They try, fall down, cry, and get back up.  They stand, make adjustments with  how they balance their weight, how far to step forward, and so on.  It's the getting back up and trying over and over again that makes it possible to walk.  Babies don't give up just because they don't walk perfectly the first time they try.  Or the second.  Or the third.  They just keep going until they get it right.

But a lot of us throw in the towel when things challenge us more than we expect they will.  Some of us have the belief that if something doesn't come easy, it's not worth our time or energy to see it through to the end.  How many unfinished projects do you have?  How many times have you tried something new and immediately abandoned it when you discovered that you had to work at getting good at it?  How many times have you thrown up your hands and given up because it just got too hard?

In the movie "A League of Their Own," Coach Jimmy Dugan (played by Tom Hanks) challenges his best player when she decides that she's quitting baseball because it would mean making some difficult personal sacrifices:

What I'm talking about is persistence. It's defined as "perseverence in spite of fatigue or frustration."  It's sticking with something no matter how tired you are or how much you really want to quit. It's a personality trait successful people have that causes them to keep going with a task no matter what and not giving up.

Persistence is the ability to stick with something and see it all the way through.  Think back to when you were learning how to ride a bike.  When you fell down or lost your balance, you kept on going until you got the hang of it, right? That's persistence.

Pursuing a college degree is no different.  There are courses and topics and skill sets to be learned that are designed to get you to the career you dream about.  Some come easier than others.  The harder tasks try your patience.  You might even question whether you've chosen the right course...or career.  The difference between success and failure is to not give up.

Just because something is difficult doesn't mean you shouldn't be doing it.  College is supposed to be hard.  If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard...is what makes college great.

Online course tips for success

People who've never taken a course online don't really understand how much goes into it.  Online courses are more convenient, but they have the same academic requirements as courses taught in-person.  The convenience of taking a course at home in no way means that it will be easy.

It takes a lot of things to happen and be in place to succeed in an online course. To help you assess where you stand, I've organized what it takes to be successful into three categories:  Personal attributes, Behavioral requirements, and Environmental needs.

Personal attributes

Being persistent is perhaps the biggest key to success in online learning.  Students who succeed are those who are willing to tolerate technical problems, seek help when needed, work daily on their classes, and keep trying when challenges arise.

Taking responsibility means that, as an adult, you're in charge of what you are doing and how you are doing it.  It is also understanding that your success (or failure) is because of you:  Not your professors, not your advisor, not your parents...YOU.  The grades you earn are a reflection of your level of understanding of the material, and is directly connected to how much time you put into it. 

Having discipline entails making a schedule, logging in to your courses and saying to yourself, "I'm going to work on this now."  It also involves having the dedication to actually follow through.  Students who succeed are those who log in and make progress every day.

Required behaviors

Practice time management.  The flexibility of online learning can be a drawback to students who procrastinate, are undisciplined to commit to a study schedule, or don't take responsibility for completing assignments on time. When taking an online class, you may not receive verbal or visual reminders of an assignment’s upcoming due date, so it’s up to you to make sure you’ve allotted enough time to complete the work so you’re not starting an assignment the day before it’s due.

Decide when you will log into each course, and put these on your calendar.  Just as you might attend a face-to-face lecture at a regular time each week, you need to schedule time (and enough of it) on your calendar to study the materials and complete assignments.  Treat those blocks of time as seriously as you would a face-to-face class by sticking to them, letting your friends and family know that you're unavailable during those times, and consistently using your dedicated workspace during those times.

Put all of the due dates for reading assignments, quizzes/exams, papers, etc. on your calendar for the entire semester.  If you can see all of the due dates in one place, it will be much easier to spread out your work and complete tasks in a timely manner.

Create a weekly schedule that you will follow, designating certain hours each week to reading, watching lectures, completing assignments, studying, and participating in discussion boards.  Commit to making your online coursework part of your weekly routine, and set reminders for yourself to complete these tasks.

When working on your assignments, try "time-blocking," allowing yourself a certain amount of time for each task before moving on to the next one, and setting a timer to keep you on track.

Get organized.  As with any course, but especially for an online one, it’s important to stay organized. Organize all of your files in a way that makes sense to you. Knowing exactly where important dates, files, forms, syllabi, books, and assignments live will help keep you on track towards hitting your goals. It’s also wise to keep a copy of anything you submit in case a technology problem requires you to resubmit it—even your discussion forum posts. Also, take good notes while doing your readings or watching online lectures just as you would in any other class.

Actively participate.  Participate in the course's online discussion forum to help you better understand the materials and engage with your fellow classmates.  This might involve commenting on a classmate's paper on a discussion board or posting a question about a project you're working on.  Read what other students and your professor are saying, and if you have a question, ask for clarification.

Make sure you're logging in as often as you can, too.  The flexibility of online learning means that if you have 30 minutes before you plan to have dinner, you could squeeze in a discussion response.  Find pockets of time a couple of times every day to check in on the class discussion threads.

And if you do feel yourself falling behind, SPEAK UP.  Don't wait until an assignment is almost due to ask questions or report issues.  Email your professor and be proactive in asking for help.  It won't make you look dumb.  It will make you look like a student.

Collaborate with your peers.  Online classes may sometimes make you feel like you're learning on your own, but this isn't the case.  Most online courses are built around the concept of collaboration, with professors actively encouraging that students work together to complete assignments and discuss lessons.


Build relationships with other students by introducing yourself and engaging in online discussion boards.  Your classmates can be a valuable resource when preparing for exams or asking for feedback on assignments.  Don't be afraid to turn to them to create a virtual study group.  Chances are good that they will appreciate it just as much as you will.

If you're having trouble holding yourself responsible, pair up with a classmate or friend who will check in with you as an accountability partner.  Let this person know what assignments, readings, exams, etc. you have coming up in the next week, and how you plan to complete them.  This partner will check in with you regularly to see how much progress you've made, and is expected to give you a verbal kick-in-the-pants if you're not where you need to be.

Environmental needs

Create a regular study space.  A lot of students I know have taken advantage of using campus spaces to do homework, research, and study.  They say it works for them because they have everything they need, and busy lives at home don't make it easy to work there.

Now everyone is forced to work from home, and some people are feeling frustrated because they haven't got a place to do coursework.  The first step is to look around your home and find a place to claim as yours.  Some students have found a quiet space in the garage, basement, attic, or laundry room.  Ideally, it should be a space that's away from the hub-bub of your family's activities, and NOT in your bedroom (which could potentially be a source of distraction).

Once you've claimed your study space, make sure everyone in the family understands that when you're in there, you are not available for anything other than studying.  Put up a "Do Not Disturb" sign and enforce it!

Your study space needs a high-speed internet connection, access to power, and freedom from distraction.  You'll keep all of your materials there, too: textbooks, notebooks, study guides...you get the idea.  This space is where you will go at designated times to do coursework.  By completing your work there repeatedly, you'll begin to establish a routine.

Eliminate distractions.  Being disciplined means staying away from anything that could distract you during time in your study space, like social media, texting, or binge-watching something on Netflix.  Put these activities on your schedule at other times.  Ultimately, you will need to find a strategy that works best for you.

Regardless of where you choose to do your work, consider turning off your cell phone to avoid losing focus every time a text message or notification pops up.  Another option for resisting the temptation to check your email or surf the web is to download a website blocker.  Using apps like Cold Turkey and Freedom can eliminate distractions by blocking the apps or websites that tend to compete for your attention, such as Facebook, Instagram and Twitter.

Figure out how you learn best.  Once you've established where you'll learn, think about when and how you accomplish your best work.  If you're a morning person, make time to study first thing.  More of a night-owl?  Set aside an hour or two later in the evening to get to work. If you have kids that require your morning and evening attention, carve out study sessions during nap times, after their bedtimes, and even early mornings before they get up.  Recruit your partner or spouse to take over the bedtime routine so you can get an earlier start.  Do whatever you need to get into the zone and down to business.

Not everyone learns the same way, so think about what types of information help you best understand new concepts and use study strategies to support that.  If you're a visual learner, for example, print out transcripts of the video lectures to review.  Learn best by listening?  Make sure to build time into your schedule to play and replay all audio- and video-based course content.