PARENTING ADVICE: Stopping my daughter from dying her hair

"How do I stop my 21-year-old daughter from dying her hair pink?"

Photo Credit: Style Caster

A 21-year-old woman is capable of making her own decisions. With that comes the consequences of those decisions.

As parents, we innately want to protect our kids from disappointment, embarrassment, and pain. But we have to let them make those choices/mistakes, or else they’ll never learn how to bounce back when life is unkind to them.

That said, in the grand scheme of things, what’s the harm in dying her hair? Sometimes we just want to do something different or feel like we’re making a fresh start. She’s just exercising her desire to be her own person, which is what every parent wants for their kid.

Who knows…this color could look lovely on her and boost her self-esteem, or she may find out for herself that having pink hair isn’t right for her, and she can always dye it back. But that will be HER decision.

You really have no say in this.  Just love her as she is.

EXPLAINING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Desperation

"Why do desperate people do crazy things?"

Photo Credit: TheGoodVibe.co

Desperation is a state of being that is always rooted in fear, and is partnered with a horrible gut feeling that one is about to lose something or someone. Fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being caught, fear of losing a job…fear is the culprit. 

Except for when literally saving one’s own (or another person’s) life, desperation isn’t a healthy state to be in and never a good way to hold onto things and people. 

People who are afraid of losing <fill in the blank> and believing they can’t live without it will do and say just about anything to prevent the loss from happening.  I think that’s the “crazy things” you’re referring to.

Doing “crazy things” could delay the loss temporarily, but when that fear rears its ugly head again (and it will), the vicious cycle would continue. Guaranteed.

Desperation is an indication that a person is insecure, perhaps emotionally immature. Partnering with a therapist is the first step to rid oneself of this toxic mindset and to learn how to live free of this debilitating fear. 

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Repeating mistakes

"Why do some people keep making the same mistakes over and over?"

Photo Credit: Cognizant Softvision

First, it’s easy for outsiders to judge other people and wonder why they aren’t doing something different to get a better outcome. Truth is, we’re not living their life. We don’t know the details of their circumstances. We really can’t know what’s going on with them and why they behave the way they do.

There’s a saying that explains when change actually comes about: “People will only change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of doing something different.”

If you keep in mind that all human behavior is based on getting one’s basic needs met, then it makes sense why some people don’t “learn their lesson” when they seem to be repeatedly making the same mistakes. 

Maybe their behavior is the only way they know how to meet their needs, and changing that behavior would be too scary or difficult to do…and may jeopardize their survival. Therefore, they choose to not change...for good reason.

They’re doing what they need to get by.

When a child figures out that throwing a temper tantrum in a store would score them candy because their parent will do anything to stop the tantrum, why would that child choose to behave any differently? Without the tantrum, there’d be no candy, and so the behavior continues.

See what I mean?

Remember that people behave the way they do for reasons that makes sense to them in their circumstances.

And a little compassion for our differences goes a long way.

ADVICE: Boyfriend says things he doesn’t mean

"How do I approach my boyfriend whenever he starts saying harsh words that I know he doesn't mean to?"

Photo Credit: Whisper

First, let me preface my response by acknowledging that we all—at times—have said things (sometimes in anger) without editing or filtering.  I’ve been guilty of that myself on occasion.

The truth is all of us can control everything we say and do, and when we mess up, we also have the ability to apologize and protect our relationships.

That said, if your boyfriend speaks harshly very infrequently (like once or twice a year--at most), and you tell him how his behavior makes you feel, and he responds by immediately apologizing and makes consistent effort to improve your relationship, then we can certainly forgive this human error. 

But if his “harsh words” are commonplace and are targeted at you, then that’s a much bigger problem. 

This behavior is considered verbal abuse, a non-physical type of domestic violence (it applies even if you don’t live together), and it has no place in your relationship.

If he’s frequently angry, defensive, gaslights you, makes threats, and makes you feel unsafe, then you must take every action to protect yourself.  (Call 911 for help if necessary.)  If you live together, arrange to stay with a friend or your family to temporarily put some space between the two of you.

Speak with a trained advocate on the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-7233) who will listen without judgment, help you develop a strategy to stay safe, and get you connected with your local domestic violence agency and a therapist who can help you map out your next steps.

Please remember that your boyfriend’s behavior is not because of anything you’ve said or done...it’s a sign of deeply-rooted insecurity and that’s something he can work on with a therapist as well.

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Taking risks in relationships

Photo Credit: The Training Associates

Why do people take risks in relationships? It depends on the kind of risks being taken.

If I take a risk to be honest, open and genuine with my partner, it means that I trust them with my vulnerabilities and true self, and do so to deepen our relationship.

If I take a risk by moving away with my partner to pursue my career (or so that they can pursue theirs), it means that we’re mutually supportive and committed to the well-being and longevity of our relationship, and respect the career choices we each have made.

If I take a risk by having a long-distance relationship or taking a trip without my partner, it means I trust my partner and my partner trusts me to remain committed and faithful while we’re apart.

If I take a risk by marrying my partner, it means that I am committed to do all I can to make the relationship healthy, strong, and loving until the day I die. It also means that I will remain faithful and committed to my partner.

If I take a risk by hooking up with someone outside the relationship, it means that:

1. I’m emotionally insecure and need confirmation that I’m still interesting and attractive to other people
2. I want those “butterflies in the stomach” romantic feelings again
3. I want to see how much I can get away with
4. It feels good to be “naughty”
5. I don’t want to be monogamous and want to be with other people
6. I’m unhappy/unsatisfied in the relationship and am seeking a potential new partner before I break up with my current partner

Taking risks are necessary in relationships, as long as the outcome of those risks taken doesn’t compromise the trust, integrity, commitment and well-being of that relationship.

ADVICE: The breakup with my ex didn’t feel “right”

“I can’t stop thinking about my ex because the breakup didn’t feel “right.”  I feel like I should write to them and try to get them back. What should I do?”

Photo credit: Genius.com

[Public Service Announcement: Don’t be this girl.]

ADVICE: What would you do if you caught your boyfriend holding hands with a woman in public?

Photo:  elements.envato.com

First, let me say that I’m a firm believer in listening to our inner voice, that “gut feeling” that always tells us the truth...even when the truth isn’t something we want to hear.

Second, you need to think back to whether there have been other instances in your relationship that would cause you not to trust your boyfriend.

That said, after allowing my heart rate to come back to normal, I would calmly ask him who this person is and why he was exhibiting this public display of affection with someone other than me.

Now, he may have a perfectly good reason why he was holding that woman’s hand.  Maybe she’s a friend or co-worker who’s going through a tough time and he was offering emotional support in that way.

Maybe he thought he was being discreet about being with this woman, and you’d never find out.

Or may be WANTED to be caught so you’d get angry and leave him so he wouldn’t have to be the one to end your relationship.

Regardless of his explanation, you need to let him know how seeing him holding another woman’s hand made you feel.  Tell him what your inner voice is saying to you.  That you feel disrespected.  How angry you are.  That you’re sad to have made this discovery.  How you fear that this is a sign that your relationship is in trouble.

Then, listen carefully to how he responds to your feelings.  Does he validate them, understand how you feel, and reassure you that he loves only you?  Or does he tell you that you’re crazy for feeling that way...that you’re reading too much into it?

Based on his responses, you can decide how your life will move forward.  What does your gut tell you is the right way (NOT the easiest way) to resolve this?  What’s best for YOU?

If you believe to your core that he’s devoted to only you, then you need to work on your fears and insecurities.

If he tells you that you and he are no longer an exclusive, monogamous couple, then you must decide what to do next.

I recommend not making this decision on your own.  It would be helpful to work with a therapist to remedy your insecurities and give your confidence and self-esteem a shot in the arm.  Then you’ll have an abundance of strength to decide whether this relationship is worth saving, and the tools to take action if necessary.