ADVICE: People who don’t take COVID-19 seriously

“I get so angry when I see people in the store without a mask, or wearing it under their chin, and not following the 6-foot social distancing rules. Sometimes I just want to scream at them to raise their masks and keep their distance.  What can I do to get them to do the right thing?”

Photo credit: Centers for Disease Control

I hear you. I am consistently amazed at how many people think that the pandemic isn’t as serious as is being reported, that masks don’t work and wearing them is a sign of government control, that the vaccines will change our DNA, and that the number of people dying are made up.  It’s hard to wrap my mind around the fact that they think they’re smarter than the science and data that say otherwise.

So where do they come up with these crazy notions?

Someone is repeatedly misinforming them, and they’re choosing to believe what they hear. Just like we choose to believe what we’re hearing repeatedly.

They feel very strongly about what they believe, just as strongly as our beliefs.

But we can’t convince them they’re wrong any more than they can convince us we are.

To answer your question, it’s natural to feel anger when we witness others disrespecting our rights and violating public health mandates, but using that energy in a positive way by following the COVID-19 protocols that the scientists are telling us will slow the spread is the best way to handle it. 

Do your part, regardless of what other people are or aren’t doing. We have no control over others…only over what we choose to do.

Stay strong, and stay the course. Herd immunity is on its way.

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Personal Boundaries

Photo Credit: PonderAbout.com

In his poem "Mending Wall," Robert Frost writes "good fences make good neighbors," and that man "makes boundaries and he breaks boundaries."

Just like a good fence that gives your neighbor the visual reminder of what's yours and what's theirs, personal boundaries are essential for building character.  In essence, they're the set of firm guidelines we build and live by that gives us permission to be genuine and true to ourselves without fear or shame, lets others know how we want to be treated, and the consequences for mistreating us or violating a boundary.   

Without personal boundaries, life can be frustrating, overwhelming and often painful. People disrespect you, abuse your kindness, and demand your time and energy...on their terms.

When you lack personal boundaries or don't uphold them (called “floppy boundaries” in the counseling world), some people think it’s perfectly acceptable to criticize you, offer unsolicited advice or pass judgment on your life choices.

As a result, you’ll more likely doubt yourself and your decisions and find yourself in a downward spiral of backpedaling, jumping through hoops to please others, and keeping your mouth shut just to keep the peace.  Unfortunately, these behaviors make you a human doormat.

Some examples of healthy boundaries include:

• Asking for what you want and need from those around you
• Being comfortable saying "No" and without guilt
• Saying "Yes" because you want to, and not out of obligation or to please others
• Taking care of yourself first
• Making choices based on your values and beliefs
• Feeling safe and valid when expressing difficult emotions
• Being treated like an equal and that you matter
• Knowing that your happiness is your responsibility
• Knowing that you're not responsible for someone else's happiness
• Being comfortable disagreeing
• Knowing who you are, what you believe, and what you like
• Being comfortable changing your mind

In sum, it’s healthy to have that good, imaginary fence around you.  Personal boundaries reveal to others your genuine self, teaches them how you want to be treated, and defines the limits of their often-unwanted and unsolicited input.

James Joyce knew what he was talking about.

ADVICE: Do you regret breaking up with someone?

“Have you ever regretted breaking up with your partner when you are the one who initiated the breakup?  If so, how is life right now?”

Photo Credit: Quote Master

I have never regretted any of the breakups I initiated.  Or the ones that were forced on me. 

When the breakups happened, I was of course sad, hurt, angry…all of those things. 

But there are lessons to be learned in every broken relationship. Whether a person embraces and owns up to the mistakes that were made and learns how to do better and not make the same mistakes again determines how their future relationships will turn out.

I have often pondered how my life would be vastly different if I had stayed with my controlling, abusive ex-husband: the negative physical and emotional toll that living in a chaotic household for years would take on me, my stunted career opportunities, being isolated from family and friends, and how my daughters’ opinions of men and marriage would be skewed, and it wouldn’t have been good at all. 

Ending my marriage was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and it caused a lot of anger, hurt, and plunged me and my kids into poverty. But doing so literally saved not only my life, but theirs as well.  It was so worth it.

In time, I sorted out why my marriage fell apart, what part I played in its downfall, and made a conscious choice to make improvements in myself so I’d be less likely to make the same mistakes in subsequent relationships. Was I then transformed into a perfect partner? Oh hell no. Old habits die hard. But with each relationship (and breakup), I learned how to do and be better.

I’m in a much better place now, and am happily married to a man who treats me like gold. I’ve also learned what being a supportive, loving and respectful spouse is supposed to be like, and I work very hard every day to treat my spouse as I would like to be treated. It’s been working pretty well for the past 12 years.

I don’t regret any of the breakups I’ve endured.  Every one has brought me to exactly where I wanted to be.

 

ADVICE: Clearing a bad reputation

“I recently did something that makes most people not trust me any more. Should I care about clearing my reputation, or should I allow them to think whatever they want about me?”

 

Photo Credit: The Importance of a Reputation Bank Account

Your reputation reflects the perceptions others have of you: your behaviors, words, work ethic, how you treat other people and how you allow others to treat you, and your integrity. These help formulate how others see you and the opinions they have about the kind of person you are. 

Building a reputation is like having a savings account.  Whenever you show good character, do what you say you will, tell the truth, do a good deed, and so on, you make deposits into that account.  If you make a minor mistake (say, telling a lie and getting caught), a withdrawal is taken from that account but will cover you most of the time.  However, when you mess up big-time, the account balance can go to zero (or below) and your reputation account is depleted.  That means you have to start again by behaving in ways where people can begin to trust and rely on you so you can rebuild relationships and replenish the account.

As for others’ opinions of you, it depends on who you respect and value. If people you don’t really care about are talking about you…let them talk. Who cares what they think? However, have you done something to change how a person you admire thinks about you? Unfortunately, you can’t control what other people think or believe. What you DO have the power to do is to change your behavior, words and integrity, and improve the way you see yourself.

If you’ve done or said something to take a bite out of your reputation, not all is lost. Now is the time to rebuild it. Say you’re sorry to anyone you have hurt or disrespected, and then promise to never to it again. Make amends for any losses other people have incurred by your actions: fix or replace items damaged or repay money you’ve borrowed, and then promise to never do it again. Behave in ways that others will respect you for. Speak in ways that uplift others. Work on the goals you’ve set for your education or career. Keep the promises you make. 

Reputations can be rebuilt after doing or saying something you wish you hadn’t. It absolutely can be done.  But it takes time, consistency, energy, and a commitment to do and be better.

 

ADVICE: How to help a partner with past childhood trauma

“My BF has many issues and has not processed his childhood traumas.  We’ve been together for a year, and we’ve had many arguments.  He shares a lot with me, but I can’t do the same because the smallest things trigger him.  I feel awful thinking about leaving.  What should I do?”

 

Photo Credit:  Therapy Route

He needs to get professional help to work through his traumas…you cannot be his therapist. Admitting that he needs help is probably terrifying for him. The idea of making an appointment with a therapist who specializes in trauma is equally frightening. Going through trauma counseling is very intense, painful, and exhausting, but for people who stick with it, their lives can be transformed for the better. 

Unfortunately, he has to decide to take those steps himself, and there’s nothing you can do to expedite this or make it easier for him.

One important thing for you to remember: Nothing changes if nothing changes. Your relationship will not get better on its own. Your arguments will not stop (they might, in fact, get worse and/or become more frequent). You’ll still be walking on eggshells around him in another year, five years, 20 years…if nothing changes.

I recommend that you yourself get connected with a therapist to help you sort through all of this, and come up with a plan for the best course of action for you to take. Taking care of yourself first is absolutely necessary, and it might encourage him to do the same.

 

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: When a partner is “secretive”

“Why are some partners so secretive with their phones, even if they swear that they’re not cheating?”

 

Photo Credit:  Communications of the ACM

It’s healthy and necessary for our personal happiness and growth when both we and our partner have some elements of our lives that are ours alone: our own friends, interests, and activities that we don’t share with them. It’s crucial for us to remain fully-functioning and emotionally complete individuals in addition to being part of a committed couple. As long as they don’t endanger the trust and integrity of our relationships, we need things and people that are only ours. 

As for your concern, let’s put the shoe on the other foot: Imagine if your best friend told you that she’s thinking of leaving her boyfriend, and doesn’t want anyone to know…including your partner. You promised you’d keep that confidence. Now, imagine that your partner is fishing for information on your phone that would disclose your friend’s plan. You wouldn’t like that, and you’d do everything you could to protect the trust your friend has in you.

That might be what’s going on with your partner.

Here’s another thing to consider: if your partner said something like, “I can’t share what’s on my phone because my friend Mary is going through a tough time and I promised to keep what’s going on private,” would this ease your mind or cause you to be more suspicious than you already are?

The real issue here, however, isn’t about what’s on your partner’s phone that you feel entitled to see. You’re feeling insecure about your relationship and are searching for “proof” that your suspicions are correct. If your partner hasn’t given you any other cause to distrust them, give them the benefit of the doubt now.  Tell them how you’re feeling about all of this in a calm and honest way. But if the secrecy about the phone is one more red flag why you question their fidelity, then you have to do something about it.

Get connected with a therapist who will help you to sort this all out, why you’re feeling insecure and distrustful, and develop strategies for a plan of action that’s right for you.

 

ADVICE: Why do I always love too much?

“I always love too much in any relationship and sometimes I become restless for that person.  How can I control that?”

 

Photo Credit: Emotional Intelligence and You

Healthy, loving, mutually-satisfying relationships require give and take from both partners. I’m not talking about keeping score, but over time both partners feel loved, respected, and valued.

“Loving too much” is a sign of desperation and imbalance in the effort put into a relationship. 

You’re giving and giving and doing and doing with the hope that your partner will reciprocate for you. When your partner doesn’t respond, you give more and do more.  And the cycle continues.

Your restlessness is really your subconscious showing you the truth about the future of this relationship, and you’re afraid to acknowledge what that means. 

You already know deep down that you don’t have the relationship you wish you had.

How can you control it? Well, the only control you have is changing what you’re doing, because what you’re doing now isn’t getting you what you want. 

Talk with your partner and let them know how you’re feeling. If they respond by validating your feelings, apologizing and then doing all they can to make you feel loved, respected, and valued, then you have your answer and the problem is solved. 

But if they respond with anger, disrespect your feelings, and tell you you’re too sensitive or crazy, then you have a difficult decision to make.

Get connected with a therapist who will help you sort this all out, develop a strategy to manage it, boost your self-esteem, and create an appropriate plan of action.

Bottom line is...you deserve AT LEAST as much as you’re giving.