ADVICE: Cheating on someone you love

Can you really love someone and still cheat on them?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Why friendships change and sometimes end

Friendships are typically built on commonly-shared environments like school, college, job, athletic teams, and so on. Proximity plays a big part of how a friendship develops and is sustained--it's easier when you spend time together regularly.  Friendships are challenged when one person moves away because of the lack of physical presence.

As we mature, meet new people, and have new experiences, we often find our circle of friends changing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  We may realize that we no longer share common interests or beliefs with people we were once close to. 

When we move to another location because of a job or going to college, we might lose touch with our lifelong besties. This doesn't mean that those friendships were a waste of time or not "real."  It simply means that the relationships have served their purpose and have run their course.

This is a long explanation for this simple idea: friendships are fluid. They’re supposed to change because we change and the people we associate with change, too.

ADVICE: Managing a workplace bully: Ten tips

I'm being bullied by my supervisor's son-in-law, who's a colleague.  What are my chances if I fight back, and what's the best course of action to take?

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Compassion

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it's defined as the feeling that arises when you're confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.

Compassion isn't the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. 

Empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person.  

Compassion is when those empathic feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. 

Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion.

ADVICE: Dealing with low self-esteem

How do I deal with low self-esteem?

MEDIA BUZZ: Simone Biles, Naomi Osaka, and mental health

Olympic athletes are our heroes.  They represent hope, perseverance, tenacity, and overcoming obstacles to reach for the gold.  They're the best of the best.

To be an Olympic competitor, they must have a strong body and an equally-robust mental state.  Competition involves physical skill and mental sturdiness.  It is difficult to succeed with one and without the other.

As a licensed mental health counselor, I was heartened when Gold-medalist swimmer Michael Phelps disclosed his battle with mental health.  His disclosure put a familiar and respected face to it and showed that even the strongest body can struggle with what’s going on up in one’s head.  His endorsement of a telemental health service seeks to normalize talking to a professional.  His experience is proof that if mental health issues can happen to an Olympian, it can happen to any one of us, and it can be addressed.

His honesty was instrumental in opening up that conversation.

Michael’s struggle became public knowledge, however, after he stopped competing. Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka found the strength to speak their truth in the midst of the Olympiad.  They unapologetically put their mental health first and took actionable steps to protect it.  Without a solid mental state, their performances would certainly have suffered, but more importantly, they could have put themselves at risk for physical injury.  Choosing self-care above all else is courageous and, frankly, healthy.

I wish more of us would follow suit.

 

Simone Biles

I’d wager that if we asked every Olympic competitor in Tokyo about their mental health status (and did so with the guarantee that their identities would remain secret), they would confirm that participating in the games imposes immeasurable mental distress.

Maybe other athletes are feeling just like Simone and Naomi but are afraid to speak up. 

It’s an all-too-common fear that going public with one’s compromised mental health status puts one at risk of being labeled as “crazy,” “unstable,” or “fragile;” categorized as no longer good enough…or even unworthy of being an Olympic athlete.  Some cultures shun or believe that mental illness isn’t real…including our culture in America. 

Add to that fear the overarching expectation to perform and be the world’s best.  There’s so much riding on that one race or performance: the countless years of training to qualify to compete.  The many sacrifices athletes’ families endure to get their kids to the Games.  The country the athletes represent wants them to bring home more medals than any other so they can make the claim of being first in the world.  The athletes’ hope for endorsement deals that could secure their financial futures.  The physical toll on their bodies and the ever-looming fear that one false step, stroke, or movement could end their careers.

One can understand how it could be just too much for one’s psyche to handle.

Naomi Osaka

Mental health awareness is a systemic and cultural issue that is bigger than any one celebrity can take on to make meaningful change.  But one way to make self-care a priority is to make it acceptable to talk about, and Simone, Naomi and Michael have made some in-roads to that end. 

It’s crucial to our overall well-being to be mindful about how we’re doing mentally, and let our loved ones know when we’re not feeling well.  We need to ask for help when our typical coping strategies no longer work.  We need to get at least 7 hours of sleep in each 24-hour cycle, get regular exercise, and eat better.  We need to take days off when our mental health status makes it difficult to go to work. We need to have activities and interests that make us feel good about ourselves. We need to have a therapist or counselor as a member of our health care team. 

We can all take a role in blurring the line between physical and mental health because they are inextricably connected.  Embracing and respecting the holistic view of the mind-body connection will ultimately serve everyone better…including athletes.

By going public with their mental health struggles, Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka have gained something much more valuable than any Olympic medal. They’ve bravely demonstrated that their experiences are real and important to talk about openly, and in doing so, they’ve reopened this conversation so the millions of people around the world who suffer in silence can find the courage to speak up and seek help.

ADVICE: Making contact after a request for space

My significant other asked me to give them space.  How long should I wait before I contact them?