UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: People who bully others

https://extension.umn.edu/bullying-and-violence/bullying-big-problem-big-consequences

Psychology Today defines bullying as "a distinctive pattern of repeatedly and deliberately harming and humiliating others, specifically those who are smaller, weaker, younger, or in any way more vulnerable than the [perpetrator.]"  The deliberate targeting of those with lesser power is what distinguishes bullying from typical aggression.

Bullying can involve verbal attacks, such as name-calling and making fun of others, as well as physical altercations, threats of harm, other forms of intimidation, and deliberate exclusion from activities.  Studies show that bullying peaks around ages 11 to 13 and decreases as children mature.  Overt physical aggression such as kicking, hitting, and shoving is most common among younger children; relational aggression--damaging or manipulating the relationships of others, such as spreading rumors, and social exclusion--is more common as children grow older.

Bullying is a learned behavior and it begins at an early age.  If the normal aggression of two-year-olds isn't corrected consistently, children fail to learn internal restraint against those behaviors.  People bully because it can be an effective way of getting what they want (at least in the short term).  Bullying also is a way of establishing social dominance.

Why do they do what they do?  There are two schools of thought regarding the psychological makeup of perpetrators.

First, there's a belief that perpetrators lack prosocial behavior, are untroubled by anxiety, and lack empathy.  They exhibit a distinctive cognitive feature that resembles paranoia: They misread the intentions of others, often exhibiting hostile behavior in neutral situations.  Others may not like them, but they typically have a positive self-view.  It's believed that chronic perpetrators tend to have strained relationships with their parents and peers.

The second view of what makes perpetrators tick (and the one to which I espouse) involves under-developed or undeveloped social skills and learned behaviors that get their needs met.

https://genmindful.com/blogs/mindful-moments/three-ways-to-love-a-bully

Research supporting this states that people who are aggressive, oppositional, or otherwise behave in difficult ways are actually doing the best they can with the skills they have.  There's also evidence that there's a lot more going on beneath that seemingly-hardened exterior.

Let's face it: all of us would like to have social status and attention.  Perpetrators lack the skills they would need to attain positive status and attention in adaptive ways--skills like emotion regulation, self-regulation, communication skills, and social thinking.  And through this learned behavior--possibly from witnessing aggression or violence at home, in video games, or in the media--they seek notoriety in ways that are harmful to others...because they know no other way to do it.  Students who bully would like to avoid detention and suspension, and they would if they could.  Unfortunately, detention and suspension don't teach positive and socially-acceptable skills, so the perpetrator returns to school with the same skills set they had before they were disciplined and the behavior continues.

I also suspect that trauma is a common factor in bullying behaviors.  The perpetrator knows no other way to manage the fear, shame, and pain they feel from experiencing a traumatic event, so they focus on inflicting intentional hurt onto someone else who's done nothing to instigate or cause the bullying.  They want others to feel as badly as they do.  They target people with kind hearts, who are well-liked, and are successful…all the things they believe they are not.

Bullying is a difficult concept for many of us to understand--except if you're a person who used to bully or have been on the receiving end of those behaviors.

Question:  Where do you stand on why people bully others?  Which school of thought makes the most sense to you, or do you have other ideas of why some people behave this way?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Resentment

Resentment is an internal manifestation of jealousy, disappointment and pain over external circumstances over which you have no control. It’s a destructive state of mind which hurts and negatively affects only you. The person you resent isn’t impacted at all.

If you are feeling resentful, preserve your health and well-being and let go of the burden of your resentment. First thing you must believe is that you have complete control over your thoughts and behaviors. Write down all of the reasons you’ve been resentful, and be specific. Make this list exhaustive. When you’re done, destroy this piece of paper (shred it, burn it, flush it, etc.), and as you do this, let all of those negative thoughts and feelings go with it.

It will feel so good to be free of the weight you’ve been carrying around. And remember that YOU get to decide how to think and react when things don’t go your way.

Question:  Who or what are you resentful of?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Mindset

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Don't give up too easily; persistence pays off in the end." (Thomas H. Palmer) 

"I can accept failure.  Everyone fails at something.  But I can't accept not trying." (Michael Jordan)

"Failure is so important.  We speak about success all the time.  But it is the ability to resist or use failure that often leads to greater success."  (JK Rowling)

"It's not that I'm so smart.  It's just that I stay with problems longer." (Albert Einstein)

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." (Winston Churchill)

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.  The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." (Thomas Edison)

What do each of these successful individuals have in common?  They share an understanding of what they're capable of, view failures as learning opportunities, and the willingness to keep trying until they get it right.  They each have a growth mindset.  

                  

Dr. Carol Dweck, the researcher and expert on developing this concept, explains a growth mindset is the belief that all abilities are trainable...they can be learned. That nothing is fixed.  That we can change everything--intelligence, creativity, athleticism, and even our character--through persistent and adaptive effort. 

At the other end of this spectrum is a fixed mindset, which assumes that our character, intelligence, and creative ability are predetermined--we're born with them--and can't be changed. Success, then, is the proof of that inherent intelligence, an assessment of how those givens measure up against an equally fixed standard. Striving for success and avoiding failure at all costs become a way of maintaining the illusion of being smart or talented.

A significant portion of our behavior comes from these two mindsets, along with our relationship with success and failure in both professional and personal contexts, and ultimately our capacity for happiness.

Do people with a growth mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein, Beethoven or Kobe Bryant?  No, but they believe that a person's true potential is unknown--that it's impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, perseverance, hard work, and training.

What makes the growth mindset so appealing is that it creates a passion for learning rather than a hunger for approval. 

At its core is the belief that human qualities like intelligence and creativity, and love and friendship can be cultivated through effort and deliberate practice. Not only are people with this mindset not discouraged by failure, but they don’t actually see themselves as failing in those situations — they see themselves as learning. 

Dr. Dweck quotes a seventh-grade girl, who captured the difference between the mindsets beautifully:

I think intelligence is something you have to work for.  It isn't just given to you.  Most kids, if they're not sure of an answer, won't raise their hand to answer the question.  But what I usually do is raise my hand, because if I'm wrong, then my mistake will be corrected.  Or I'll raise my hand and say, "How would this be solved?" or "I don't get this. Can you help me?"  Just by doing that, I'm increasing my intelligence.

ADVICE: Cheating on someone you love

Can you really love someone and still cheat on them?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Why friendships change and sometimes end

Friendships are typically built on commonly-shared environments like school, college, job, athletic teams, and so on. Proximity plays a big part of how a friendship develops and is sustained--it's easier when you spend time together regularly.  Friendships are challenged when one person moves away because of the lack of physical presence.

As we mature, meet new people, and have new experiences, we often find our circle of friends changing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  We may realize that we no longer share common interests or beliefs with people we were once close to. 

When we move to another location because of a job or going to college, we might lose touch with our lifelong besties. This doesn't mean that those friendships were a waste of time or not "real."  It simply means that the relationships have served their purpose and have run their course.

This is a long explanation for this simple idea: friendships are fluid. They’re supposed to change because we change and the people we associate with change, too.

ADVICE: Managing a workplace bully: Ten tips

I'm being bullied by my supervisor's son-in-law, who's a colleague.  What are my chances if I fight back, and what's the best course of action to take?

POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Compassion

Compassion literally means “to suffer together.” Among emotion researchers, it's defined as the feeling that arises when you're confronted with another’s suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering.

Compassion isn't the same as empathy or altruism, though the concepts are related. 

Empathy refers more generally to our ability to take the perspective of and feel the emotions of another person.  

Compassion is when those empathic feelings and thoughts include the desire to help. 

Altruism, in turn, is the kind, selfless behavior often prompted by feelings of compassion, though one can feel compassion without acting on it, and altruism isn’t always motivated by compassion.

ADVICE: Dealing with low self-esteem

How do I deal with low self-esteem?

MEDIA BUZZ: Simone Biles, Naomi Osaka, and mental health

Olympic athletes are our heroes.  They represent hope, perseverance, tenacity, and overcoming obstacles to reach for the gold.  They're the best of the best.

To be an Olympic competitor, they must have a strong body and an equally-robust mental state.  Competition involves physical skill and mental sturdiness.  It is difficult to succeed with one and without the other.

As a licensed mental health counselor, I was heartened when Gold-medalist swimmer Michael Phelps disclosed his battle with mental health.  His disclosure put a familiar and respected face to it and showed that even the strongest body can struggle with what’s going on up in one’s head.  His endorsement of a telemental health service seeks to normalize talking to a professional.  His experience is proof that if mental health issues can happen to an Olympian, it can happen to any one of us, and it can be addressed.

His honesty was instrumental in opening up that conversation.

Michael’s struggle became public knowledge, however, after he stopped competing. Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka found the strength to speak their truth in the midst of the Olympiad.  They unapologetically put their mental health first and took actionable steps to protect it.  Without a solid mental state, their performances would certainly have suffered, but more importantly, they could have put themselves at risk for physical injury.  Choosing self-care above all else is courageous and, frankly, healthy.

I wish more of us would follow suit.

 

Simone Biles

I’d wager that if we asked every Olympic competitor in Tokyo about their mental health status (and did so with the guarantee that their identities would remain secret), they would confirm that participating in the games imposes immeasurable mental distress.

Maybe other athletes are feeling just like Simone and Naomi but are afraid to speak up. 

It’s an all-too-common fear that going public with one’s compromised mental health status puts one at risk of being labeled as “crazy,” “unstable,” or “fragile;” categorized as no longer good enough…or even unworthy of being an Olympic athlete.  Some cultures shun or believe that mental illness isn’t real…including our culture in America. 

Add to that fear the overarching expectation to perform and be the world’s best.  There’s so much riding on that one race or performance: the countless years of training to qualify to compete.  The many sacrifices athletes’ families endure to get their kids to the Games.  The country the athletes represent wants them to bring home more medals than any other so they can make the claim of being first in the world.  The athletes’ hope for endorsement deals that could secure their financial futures.  The physical toll on their bodies and the ever-looming fear that one false step, stroke, or movement could end their careers.

One can understand how it could be just too much for one’s psyche to handle.

Naomi Osaka

Mental health awareness is a systemic and cultural issue that is bigger than any one celebrity can take on to make meaningful change.  But one way to make self-care a priority is to make it acceptable to talk about, and Simone, Naomi and Michael have made some in-roads to that end. 

It’s crucial to our overall well-being to be mindful about how we’re doing mentally, and let our loved ones know when we’re not feeling well.  We need to ask for help when our typical coping strategies no longer work.  We need to get at least 7 hours of sleep in each 24-hour cycle, get regular exercise, and eat better.  We need to take days off when our mental health status makes it difficult to go to work. We need to have activities and interests that make us feel good about ourselves. We need to have a therapist or counselor as a member of our health care team. 

We can all take a role in blurring the line between physical and mental health because they are inextricably connected.  Embracing and respecting the holistic view of the mind-body connection will ultimately serve everyone better…including athletes.

By going public with their mental health struggles, Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka have gained something much more valuable than any Olympic medal. They’ve bravely demonstrated that their experiences are real and important to talk about openly, and in doing so, they’ve reopened this conversation so the millions of people around the world who suffer in silence can find the courage to speak up and seek help.

ADVICE: Making contact after a request for space

My significant other asked me to give them space.  How long should I wait before I contact them?