POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES: Resilience

The word resilience stems from the Latin resiliens, meaning "to rebound, recoil, bounce back." 

As a character trait, resilience is a person's mental ability to recover quickly from misfortune, illness, disappointment, or any other event that rocks our foundation.

For most, life eventually throws us a major curve ball.  The rug gets pulled out from under us. Something happens and we aren't sure how we'll ever get past it.  

Resilient people develop a mental capacity that allows them to adapt with ease during adversity, bending like bamboo instead of breaking because they possess a set of powerful traits.  Let's examine each of them listed in the graphic above.

Internal locus of control:  A person who believes that they have control over the things that happen to them and how they respond are said to have an "internal locus of control."  In other words, one views their sense of control coming from inside them, and not from the outside.

Strong self-esteem, self-sufficiency: A person with strong self-esteem feels good about who they are, what they're doing, and what they're contributing to the world.  A self-sufficient person is able to take care of themselves financially, physically, emotionally, and socially.

Personal goals: A resilient person has clearly-defined short-term and long-term personal goals.  They work consistently to meet these goals, and if necessary, has the good sense to modify their goals when their priorities, interests, and/or circumstances change.

Sense of meaningfulness:  A resilient person knows their life's purpose and believes that what they're doing is meaningful to themselves and others.

Uses past successes to confront current challenges:  In the counseling world, this is called "transferability of skills."  A resilient person tackles problems or obstacles using strategies that worked for them in the past, which adds to their sense of self-sufficiency.

Views stress as a way to get stronger:  A resilient person takes the proverbial lemons and makes lemonade.  Stress is viewed as a motivator--not an obstacle--to success, and successfully managing stressful situations is meant to strengthen one's character.

Uses humor, patience, tolerance, and optimism:  A resilient person uses humor to manage the tough times and absurdities of life.  They are patient with themselves, with others, and with how the world operates.  They employ tolerance to deal with difficult situations and people, and they view their experiences as mostly positive and have hope that all will turn out well.

Adapts to change:  As a whole, human beings resist change--we avoid new ways of doing things, new people, new situations as much as possible because we're creatures of habit.  A resilient person may not love changes that come along, but they make the transition to the new quickly, with the attitude that change potentially can be good.

Action-oriented approach:  As an extension of their internal locus of control, a resilient person is proactive--meaning that they initiate a plan of action before it's necessary.  They are first to step up and don't wait for others to do something.

Strong relationships and asks for help:  A resilient person values and cultivates the relationships in their lives.  They know the importance of having a solid support system around them and do whatever it takes to make these people feel respected, valued, and loved.  They also are secure enough to know when they can't solve or do something by themselves, and have no problem asking for help from someone who knows more than they do.  They view asking for help as a sign of strength, and not one of weakness.

Faith:  Having faith doesn't necessarily mean following a specific religious group or spiritual philosophy.  A resilient person has a strong belief that whatever happens is for the best and everything will eventually turn out okay.

Question:  Do you think you're a resilient person and if so, which trait is your strongest?  If not, which one(s) do you need to work on?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: People who bully others

https://extension.umn.edu/bullying-and-violence/bullying-big-problem-big-consequences

Psychology Today defines bullying as "a distinctive pattern of repeatedly and deliberately harming and humiliating others, specifically those who are smaller, weaker, younger, or in any way more vulnerable than the [perpetrator.]"  The deliberate targeting of those with lesser power is what distinguishes bullying from typical aggression.

Bullying can involve verbal attacks, such as name-calling and making fun of others, as well as physical altercations, threats of harm, other forms of intimidation, and deliberate exclusion from activities.  Studies show that bullying peaks around ages 11 to 13 and decreases as children mature.  Overt physical aggression such as kicking, hitting, and shoving is most common among younger children; relational aggression--damaging or manipulating the relationships of others, such as spreading rumors, and social exclusion--is more common as children grow older.

Bullying is a learned behavior and it begins at an early age.  If the normal aggression of two-year-olds isn't corrected consistently, children fail to learn internal restraint against those behaviors.  People bully because it can be an effective way of getting what they want (at least in the short term).  Bullying also is a way of establishing social dominance.

Why do they do what they do?  There are two schools of thought regarding the psychological makeup of perpetrators.

First, there's a belief that perpetrators lack prosocial behavior, are untroubled by anxiety, and lack empathy.  They exhibit a distinctive cognitive feature that resembles paranoia: They misread the intentions of others, often exhibiting hostile behavior in neutral situations.  Others may not like them, but they typically have a positive self-view.  It's believed that chronic perpetrators tend to have strained relationships with their parents and peers.

The second view of what makes perpetrators tick (and the one to which I espouse) involves under-developed or undeveloped social skills and learned behaviors that get their needs met.

https://genmindful.com/blogs/mindful-moments/three-ways-to-love-a-bully

Research supporting this states that people who are aggressive, oppositional, or otherwise behave in difficult ways are actually doing the best they can with the skills they have.  There's also evidence that there's a lot more going on beneath that seemingly-hardened exterior.

Let's face it: all of us would like to have social status and attention.  Perpetrators lack the skills they would need to attain positive status and attention in adaptive ways--skills like emotion regulation, self-regulation, communication skills, and social thinking.  And through this learned behavior--possibly from witnessing aggression or violence at home, in video games, or in the media--they seek notoriety in ways that are harmful to others...because they know no other way to do it.  Students who bully would like to avoid detention and suspension, and they would if they could.  Unfortunately, detention and suspension don't teach positive and socially-acceptable skills, so the perpetrator returns to school with the same skills set they had before they were disciplined and the behavior continues.

I also suspect that trauma is a common factor in bullying behaviors.  The perpetrator knows no other way to manage the fear, shame, and pain they feel from experiencing a traumatic event, so they focus on inflicting intentional hurt onto someone else who's done nothing to instigate or cause the bullying.  They want others to feel as badly as they do.  They target people with kind hearts, who are well-liked, and are successful…all the things they believe they are not.

Bullying is a difficult concept for many of us to understand--except if you're a person who used to bully or have been on the receiving end of those behaviors.

Question:  Where do you stand on why people bully others?  Which school of thought makes the most sense to you, or do you have other ideas of why some people behave this way?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Resentment

Resentment is an internal manifestation of jealousy, disappointment and pain over external circumstances over which you have no control. It’s a destructive state of mind which hurts and negatively affects only you. The person you resent isn’t impacted at all.

If you are feeling resentful, preserve your health and well-being and let go of the burden of your resentment. First thing you must believe is that you have complete control over your thoughts and behaviors. Write down all of the reasons you’ve been resentful, and be specific. Make this list exhaustive. When you’re done, destroy this piece of paper (shred it, burn it, flush it, etc.), and as you do this, let all of those negative thoughts and feelings go with it.

It will feel so good to be free of the weight you’ve been carrying around. And remember that YOU get to decide how to think and react when things don’t go your way.

Question:  Who or what are you resentful of?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Mindset

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Don't give up too easily; persistence pays off in the end." (Thomas H. Palmer) 

"I can accept failure.  Everyone fails at something.  But I can't accept not trying." (Michael Jordan)

"Failure is so important.  We speak about success all the time.  But it is the ability to resist or use failure that often leads to greater success."  (JK Rowling)

"It's not that I'm so smart.  It's just that I stay with problems longer." (Albert Einstein)

"Success is the ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm." (Winston Churchill)

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.  The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time." (Thomas Edison)

What do each of these successful individuals have in common?  They share an understanding of what they're capable of, view failures as learning opportunities, and the willingness to keep trying until they get it right.  They each have a growth mindset.  

                  

Dr. Carol Dweck, the researcher and expert on developing this concept, explains a growth mindset is the belief that all abilities are trainable...they can be learned. That nothing is fixed.  That we can change everything--intelligence, creativity, athleticism, and even our character--through persistent and adaptive effort. 

At the other end of this spectrum is a fixed mindset, which assumes that our character, intelligence, and creative ability are predetermined--we're born with them--and can't be changed. Success, then, is the proof of that inherent intelligence, an assessment of how those givens measure up against an equally fixed standard. Striving for success and avoiding failure at all costs become a way of maintaining the illusion of being smart or talented.

A significant portion of our behavior comes from these two mindsets, along with our relationship with success and failure in both professional and personal contexts, and ultimately our capacity for happiness.

Do people with a growth mindset believe that anyone can be anything, that anyone with proper motivation or education can become Einstein, Beethoven or Kobe Bryant?  No, but they believe that a person's true potential is unknown--that it's impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, perseverance, hard work, and training.

What makes the growth mindset so appealing is that it creates a passion for learning rather than a hunger for approval. 

At its core is the belief that human qualities like intelligence and creativity, and love and friendship can be cultivated through effort and deliberate practice. Not only are people with this mindset not discouraged by failure, but they don’t actually see themselves as failing in those situations — they see themselves as learning. 

Dr. Dweck quotes a seventh-grade girl, who captured the difference between the mindsets beautifully:

I think intelligence is something you have to work for.  It isn't just given to you.  Most kids, if they're not sure of an answer, won't raise their hand to answer the question.  But what I usually do is raise my hand, because if I'm wrong, then my mistake will be corrected.  Or I'll raise my hand and say, "How would this be solved?" or "I don't get this. Can you help me?"  Just by doing that, I'm increasing my intelligence.

ADVICE: Cheating on someone you love

Can you really love someone and still cheat on them?

UNDERSTANDING HUMAN BEHAVIOR: Why friendships change and sometimes end

Friendships are typically built on commonly-shared environments like school, college, job, athletic teams, and so on. Proximity plays a big part of how a friendship develops and is sustained--it's easier when you spend time together regularly.  Friendships are challenged when one person moves away because of the lack of physical presence.

As we mature, meet new people, and have new experiences, we often find our circle of friends changing. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  We may realize that we no longer share common interests or beliefs with people we were once close to. 

When we move to another location because of a job or going to college, we might lose touch with our lifelong besties. This doesn't mean that those friendships were a waste of time or not "real."  It simply means that the relationships have served their purpose and have run their course.

This is a long explanation for this simple idea: friendships are fluid. They’re supposed to change because we change and the people we associate with change, too.

ADVICE: Managing a workplace bully: Ten tips

I'm being bullied by my supervisor's son-in-law, who's a colleague.  What are my chances if I fight back, and what's the best course of action to take?